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December 31, 2009

Countdowns of 2009: The Best Blog/Diary/Journal Entries of the Decade

Let’s party like it’s ten years ago today!

My Favorite Blog/Diary/Journal Entries of the Decade

* Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

99% of these probably don’t make sense to anyone, even the other people who were there.  A few of them barely still make sense to me.  I think that’s the sign of a decade well-lived, don’t you?

June 12, 2000

(2009 Note: This is a clear example of why not to write comics with your friends, about your friends, that only your friends could understand.)

The Fighting Fitzpeople

July 4, 2001

The most EMBARRASSING thing that ever happened to me…..

THE MOST embarrassing thing that EVER happened to me was, well, see, one day, the clasp on my bra broke and so my mom brought me another one, and I put the broken bra into a bag in my binder.  2 Weeks later, Eugene stole the bag out of my binder and left it in the Spanish room.  Chris M. found it, waved it around, and Sra. L. HUNG IT IN THE DOORWAY w/ a sign that said “¿De quien es esta bra?”  So I made a sign the next day that said “Don’t go through others’ binders (Eugene!)” so Ann made a sign that said “Don’t leave your bra in the Spanish Room (HAYLEY!!!)”

December 26, 2002

Amy and my BRILLIANT theory to the world of Harry Potter… it was actually MY theory, but I’m letting her share the credit.

Our idea as to why Voldemort wanted to kill Harry and James Potter is as follows:

According to a theory on Mugglenet.com (and our own slightly slow common sense), Harry and James were both heirs to Gryffindor – they lived in Godric’s hollow, and Harry succeeded in pulling Gryffindor’s sword out of the Sorting Hat during his battle with the Basilisk, the monster of Slytherin. Voldemort, knowing this and being the heir to Slytherin, targeted them because he wanted to finish Salazar’s work and end the quibble that had arisen between the two Hogwarts founders.

To further confuse you, Neville is a parallel to Peter Pettigrew, as they both were tag-alongs to three more popular and powerful wizards in their year.

Ginny is a parallel to Lily, because they both have red hair and are at nature good people and physically beautiful.

Since Neville is a parallel to Pettigrew, and has shown interest in Ginny, who is in turn parallel to Lily, we think that Pettigrew was attracted to Lily.

Voldemort, knowing that Pettigrew had lusted for Lily, and had had his heart broken when James married her, got Pettigrew to unleash his hidden wrath towards James by betraying James and Harry’s whereabouts to Voldemort.

We know that Voldemort did not have any interest in murdering Lily until she got in the way of him killing Harry. He even told her, “Stand aside, silly girl!” Therefore, we know that he, being the heir of Slytherin, was only after the heirs of Gryffindor – James and Harry – and not Lily, who was just Lily.

So that is our theory as to why Voldemort wanted to murder Harry and James Potter.

teehee, gigglegiggle. bahahahahahahaa.

WE ARE BLOODY BRILLIANT!!!!!!

KTODSPAF,

<3Hayley

August 5, 2003

This was the best night of my life.

August 3, 2004

6 Girls
+ 7 Boys
+ 10,000 Marshmallows
+ 10 Sidewalk Chalks
+ 2 Cars
+ 1 Policeman
+ 1 Creepy Whisper
+ Midnight
__________________
One Crazy, Crazy Night

November 1, 2005

My new goal is to try and blog more like Meg Cabot, who somehow always has enough to say that it takes her a lot of words.

Sometimes, I am very daunted by words. I’m always afraid that somehow, I will run out of them, and then I won’t have anything to do with my life. I go to the library or a bookstore, and I see all of the books there, and I think…

Holy crap.  Look how many words have been used up.

It just doesn’t seem like there are that many more combinations of them that are possible.

And whenever I read something absolutely wonderful, like the ( tropopause monologue ) of Angels in America, I think, “That combination of words is so breathtaking… and no one can ever use it again and claim it their own. There are so few breathtaking combinations of words that can be mine.”

I get paranoid about everything I write after that, because a) WHAT IF I INADVERTANTLY COPIED SOMEONE ELSE’S ENTIRE BOOK? and b) WHAT IF SOMEONE ELSE PUBLISHES MY COMBINATIONS OF WORDS BEFORE I GET THE CHANCE TO, AND THEN NO ONE WILL BELIEVE THEY’RE MINE?

Then I hate words for a few minutes, and try to get by without them. But thinking without words is difficult sometimes, and if someone comes in, communicating without words can be awkward.

It is a dilemma.

August 25, 2006

Dear Veronica Mars,

I have been watching your show far too much on YouTube. Can you teach me how to solve mysteries? I lose stuff a lot.

Sincerely,
Hayley

December 25, 2007

Best. Christmas. Ever.

The moral of the story is, if you’re two years old and you get a Barbie fork stuck so far up your nose that X-rays can’t find it (and they try to drug-test your mother because it’s 1989 and you accidentally told them it was a spoon up your nose and they assume you got the idea from watching your mother snort blow, when really it was a fork all along and your mother did no such thing!) and you eventually sneeze it out all over your poor harassed mother at dinner and it almost breaks your neck because your dad is holding your head in place; and then you refuse to talk about it for almost a week before very seriously telling your father, “I did it because there was a booger I couldn’t reach”… then you’ll laugh about it until you’re bawling eighteen years later.

Not that I ever got a fork stuck up my nose when I was two.

My Barbies still aren’t allowed to eat dinner.

December 23, 2008

I saw the Rockefeller Center tree, and watched the skaters circle round and round the golden-lit rink.

I was ignored in Gucci (again) but didn’t have to suffer through being called fat by Swedish Prada models in Bergdorf’s (although yesterday, Lily Cole called me ‘quite cool’ and asked where was ‘the queue to the wash-up’).

FAO Schwartz’ giant stuffed animals were everything I ever hoped they would be.  There was a duo of siblings in matching Fair Isles Christmas sweaters jumping around on the giant piano, and they were precious.

AT FAO SCHWARTZ YOU CAN HAVE MADE YOUR OWN CUSTOM MUPPET.  If I am ever rich, I will have my own fleet of Muppets.  That is, now that I know it is possible, the epitome of all my life’s dreams.  Fleet of custom Muppets.

I had dessert at the Plaza.  It was so beautiful it was almost scary, and there is no portrait of Eloise on the wall anymore, just a case of 2004-rerelease Eloise memorabilia for sale in the side lobby.  The waitstaff all wear tuxedos with tails and have cufflinks.  Dessert was served with literal silver spoons, despite the fact that I clearly was not born with one in my mouth.  The chocolate pot de creme with chantilly cream and chocolate streusel was divine, and it was free, because a middle-aged Armenian man who was too mild-mannered to Richard-Gere-in-Pretty-Woman himself out more than to order us French fries surreptitiously, which he sent back when we didn’t want them, paid for it.

I used the strategy I learned for such occasions on Long Island: ”Thank you,” and leave immediately.

The lights on the ironwork were almost enough to make me wish I were rich enough or self-deprecating enough to stay at the Plaza for Christmas, though.

And if I did, I would completely pour a pitcher of water down the mail chute.

March 23, 2009
http://hayleyanneperkins.com/blog/?p=3

I’ve been trying to think of an appropriate way to christen my new blog as Hayley Anne Perkins, but my ideas always seem to fall short, at least in my own mind.  I’m very conscious of the implications of blogging to an audience that comprises more than just your best friends and your mom… I’m vaguely terrified of saying, or rather typing, just the wrong thing in just the wrong way and coming across as a terrible person.  Or at least as a person with an overinflated sense of self-importance, which is just as bad in a blogger.

So to break the ice: my ode to NYC Teen Author Festival 2009.

To preface this extremely bizarre gobbledygook — NYCTAF09 (I’m lazy and enjoy acronyms) was awesome.   I had an amazing time meeting all of the authors and several readers, and everyone was really nice and extraordinarily “chill” for it being an autograph signing… given my boy band expertise, I’m used to autograph signings involving at least three fainters and a tablejumper.  I was glad to see that everyone was patient and open to conversing with everyone else in line as they waited, and it was a treat to see the way that the writers complemented (and complimented!) each other.

While most people at the event today brought or bought stacks of books by their favorite writers, I brought the ultimate book: the Dictionary.

I asked every author to sign over their favorite word, and I promised to take the collection of Best Words and write a little mishmash of a piece.  Elise Broach said that I should try to get them all in order, and I seriously considered it until I started trying to decipher the autographs, and I realized that I was forgetting the order already.  Sigh.

The form was promised to Judy Blundell for her choice — “poem” — and the tone to Heather Duffy-Stone… “lusty”.  Unfortunately for all parties involved, poetry is the second-furthest thing from being my forte (with Math beating it easily).  Anyone I’ve ever dated can attest.  Therefore, given that this is not only a poem, but a poem using nonsense words, I hope no one takes it TOO seriously as a test of my writing ability!  Unless you love it, in which case, this is totally how I write…

You couldn’t see it, but my eyes got very shifty at that last sentence.

And I have to say, David Levithan saying that he was excited to read the finished endeavor pretty much killed me.  So here goes.

Ned Vizzini Stole My Pen
A Lusty Poem

Twin popes –
one pulchritudinous, the other feculant
in appearance –
both indefatigable in their vast perversity,
though incredulous of the idealism of the other:
one a bonvivant in deep meditation on generosity and grace,
the other in love with his epiphany on ecstasy,
sneaked into the basement of the church
ignoring the musical comedy rehearsal
upstairs.

One facetiously donned a crash
the other merely a lush apron
as they prepared to bake treats
for their family reunion
beneath the moon.

There could be no peace between these two brothers.
Discussion broke down in their unctuous disregard for each other
like a luffing sailboat’s disregard for the wind
when fighting its way through a sluice
(in simile, not metaphor);
Something was always wrong.

As delicious purple rhubarb dumplings
vied for space amongst the donuts
an ephemeral smoke began to rise:
almost magical in its majesty
And the brothers watched,
thunderstruck.

As they watched in wonder,
the metal of the pots against the stove –
fulminate metals –
began to coruscate,
shooting sparks into the air.

The pastries were ruined.
The brothers found between them a new sublimity:
they no longer had to bring dessert to the reunion
thanks to a force majeure.

LOVE – Nora Baskin
PURPLE - Jessica Blank
POEM - Judy Blundell
MEDITATION – Coe Booth
ECSTASY - Elise Broach
PEACE - Susane Colasanti
EPIPHANY (BUT NOT IN A RELIGIOUS SENSE)* – Sarah Darer-Littman
GRACE (NOT CHRISTIAN GRACE)* – Matt de la Pena
LUST – Heather Duffy-Stone
GENEROSITY – Gayle Forman
LUSH – Aimee Friedman
UNCTUOUS – Madeleine George
POPE – Maureen Johnson
TWIN – Kristen Kemp
PULCHRITUDINOUS – Justine Larbalestier
WONDER – David Levithan
DUMPLING – E. Lockhart
CORUSCATE – Barry Lyga
FAMILY – Carolyn Mackler
RHUBARB – Sarah MacLean
SUBLIME – Megan McCafferty
DELICIOUS - Lauren McLaughlin
LUSH - Neesha Meminger
SOMETHING (BECAUSE “SOMETHING IS GOOD”) – Billy Merrell
CRASH – Blake Nelson
BONVIVANT – Micol Ostow
INCREDULOUS - David Ozanich
EPHEMERAL (BUT ONLY FOR TODAY) – Matthue Roth
FORCE MAJEURE - Marie Rutkoski
SNEAK – Lisa Ann Sandell
FACETIOUS (BUT FOR REAL) – Courtney Sheinmel
DONUT (NOT DOUGHNUT) – Brian Sloan
IDEALISM - Jennifer Smith
PERVERSITY – Rachel Vail
INCREDULOUS – David Van Etten
LUFF – Ned Vizzini
SLUICE – Adrienne Maria Vrettos
INDEFATIGABLE - Cecily von Ziegesar
MOON - Melissa Walker
THUNDERSTRUCK - Lynn Weingarten
FECULANT - Scott Westerfeld
VAST - Suzanne Weyn
MUSICAL COMEDY - Maryrose Wood
METAPHOR – Lizabeth Zindel

FULMINATE” and “MAGICAL,” I am so sorry, but I can’t read your autographs or remember who wrote them… if it was you, please reclaim your Favorite Word in a comment!

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December 11, 2009

A Christmas Story

For Halloween, I posted a “scary story” that I wrote at age eleven and lovely commenter Jacee left this request:

I guess it’s just that your writing has always been so You, regardless of how much it has improved.

Anyway, loved this little ‘blast from Hayley’s past.’ (How about a feature? *Waggles eyebrows.*)

Comment by Jacee — October 29, 2009 @ 1:18 pm

Rummaging through one of my old backup CDs today, I found something worthy of her request (and fittingly embarrassing for a nostalgic holiday like Christmas) — my seventh-grade retelling of The Nutcracker.  For some reason, only half the file survived and the other is in unintelligible dings, but here you go.  In seventh grade, I was in the midst of writing “my first novel” and felt like a Very Serious Writer, so that may excuse that this story is very little more than a long list of Things That Are Pretty In Ballet And At Christmastime.

But, probably not.

Just please remember: I wrote this at twelve.  Forgive me.  And have a very happy holiday season.  I know I’ll be decorating my Christmas tree and eating cookies this afternoon!

Clara and her Nutcracker Prince

Once upon a time, on Christmas Eve, in a grand, large house in Nuremberg, Germany, a girl about nine years old, wearing a fine, rich party dress of pale blue velvet, the sash about her waist dotted with gay blue sprays of flowers, stood on tiptoe at the picture window, watching the snow swirl over the path that led up to the door.

“Move aside! I want to see,” complained her brother, younger then she – six years old – his plum breeches and jacket dusted with confectioners’ sugar from stolen crescent cookies, as he pushed her away.

“Fritz, there’s room enough for the both of us if we each take a side and not the center,” said the girl, exasperated, brushing crumbs off her dress where Fritz had pushed her.  Just then, the two children, fighting for a better view then the other, saw four candles bobbing up the walk in the darkening December sky, glittering with stars.

“They’re here!  The Clausses are here!” shouted the girl, her flaxen curls whipping over her shoulder as she turned and ran to the door.  Fritz scrambled after her, his short, stumpy legs racing, but still, she beat him to it.  She flung the heavy oak door with an evergreen wreath, ornamented with red bows, gold beads, and alight with tiny white candles, open; washing the visitors with welcoming, rosy light.

“Merry Christmas!  Please come inside!” she said, her blue-green eyes shining like gems.

“Thank you Clara!  Don’t you look nice?  May we go into the parlor?” said Frauline Clauss, setting her plump two-year-old, Merisha, down on the floor on her plump, sturdy legs, and removed her scarlet-red cloak.  Merisha, her dark, fine curls dusted with gentle snowflakes, toddled heavily up to Clara and held up her butter-colored linen dress, dripping with pure white lace, up so high it revealed her pantaloons, the color of fresh snow, up to see.

“Yook, Cyara, yook!  My dwess is pwetty!  I’m a big guwl, at a pawty!”  Exclaimed Merisha, mispronouncing, as she always did, her Rs and Ls.

“Oh, yes Merry-berry, you are so big!  You must be a big girl, to be at such a grown-up party!  Mother and Father will bring Marie out in a minute, for you to play with.  Would you like that?”  Clara asked, catching the eye of the oldest Clauss girl, Teresa, her best friend, who gave her a small wink and a slight smile.  Merisha smiled and nodded, then stuck her index finger in her mouth, and chewed on it thoughtfully.

“Wiew Mawie have a pwetty dwess too?”  She asked suspiciously.

“Well, yes, of course,” answered Clara and Teresa at the same time.  Teresa had come up and was standing beside Clara, the hood of her deep crimson cloak pushed back on her neck, revealing her dark, shiny hair and enormous pale turquoise bow.

“Wiew Mawie’s dwess be pwettiew then mine?” asked Merisha nervously, eyeing her dress with sudden distrust.  Teresa knelt and gently took her sister’s finger out of her mouth and held her hands.

“Merry-berry, do you know what?” she asked, her eyes on Merisha’s.  Merisha shook her head.  “Your dress is very pretty, and nothing will change that.  Even if Marie’s dress is pink, yours will still be very pretty.”   Teresa stood up again and Merisha smiled.  Meanwhile, Fritz and Teresa’s younger brother, Johann, had paired up and were running and whooping, up and down the hallways of the foyer.

“Johann kept sneaking taffies and got his suit all sticky,” whispered Teresa to Clara as she removed her cloak and handed it to Apia, the maid.  Teresa’s dress was a pale turquoise; with a smocked bust and edelweiss patterned white lace edging the bottom, square cut neck, and balloon sleeves.  Johann was wearing a little sailor suit, the color of the evergreen trees that guarded the house on both sides of the front walk, the trimmings as red as the winter berries the birds ate off the bushes.

Then, countless more numbers of guests arrived– the Rievangentds, all dresses in white like a flock of angels, the Gustavs, who had a tiny baby, in a long white lace gown and cap, whom everyone admired, the Jaques, immigrants from France several years ago, who were always right in with the fashions and the daughter, Clarice, had lovely auburn hair, which Clara envied.  Then, at the door stood a frightening old man, his gray hair frizzy and wild, a black silk patch over one eye, the other eye gray and hard as steel.

He wore a long, black cape and a black suit with a red tie.  He leaned heavily on a black onyx cane with a tarnished silver owl head at the top.  Behind him stood a boy, Clara’s age, with well-combed wavy black hair and eyes that seemed sapphires implanted in his face.   He carried gifts of all sizes, wrapped in gay, shining papers and with ribbons more enormous then Teresa’s hair bow.

Promptly Merisha, Marie, and all the other small children began to whimper at the man’s odd and slightly mangled appearance. The boys brandished toy swords and cap guns, ready to attack the enemy. The older girls all gasped and threw their arms around each other in fright. But Clara ran up to the old man and threw her arms around his neck.

“Godfather Drosselmeyer!” she cried in delight.

“Clara, you look marvelous!” he said, twirling her around in the air.

Clara’s eyes drifted away from her loving Godfather’s face to the boy. She smiled shyly, then looked away and blushed.

“Clara, this is my new assistant, Michel,” said Herr Drosselmeyer as he gestured toward the boy.

“What happened to Pyotr?”

“Pyotr?”

“Yes. He was your assistant last year. The one who replaced Freindle.”

“Oh, oh, yes. Pyotr,” he made a sound of disgust, “Pyotr told many of the village boys and girls I was a wizard, and they kept bringing me sisters, brothers, enemies, all wanting me to turn them to toads. Or rats. Snakes, lizards, pigs.”

“Oh.” Clara was a little surprised that anyone would think that her dear, dear Herr Drosselmeyer was an evil wizard. Just then, Apia and her other maids Heidi, Jenica, and Florentine opened the white doors to the parlor and the women, on the arms of the men, walked inside, their full skirts brushing the doorframe.

Then, the children rushed in the door and then stopped abruptly in awe of the giant Christmas tree. The huge evergreen, full and fat, fragrant and proud, stood towering almost to the ceiling. It glittered with tiny blown glass animals, golden beads, silver stars, small white birds made of feathers dipped in glue, reflecting in the light made by hundreds, it seemed, of tiny white candles in golden lace-paper holders. Under the tree, presents wrapped in shining foils, colored papers, and large, glistening ribbons were piled high.

On the long, well-polished cherry wood buffet table next to the redbrick fireplace, large roast chickens, surrounded by bread stuffing, potatoes, celery and herbs were next to fragrant hams, shining with glaze and filled with soft, hot apples. All around them sat quivering jellies, green, red, and white, and bowls filled to bursting with roasted and parmentier potatoes, thick, creamy soups, dotted with herbs. There were oblong dishes full of green beans with butter or asparagus hollandaise.  There were soft white rolls, slices of hard dark brown bread, and bread made from rice.

There was a large wreath of fragrant evergreen bough over the fireplace mantle, under which a warm and welcoming fire burned, fed with colorful wax-dipped pine cones which Clara and Teresa had made one crisp afternoon in October, when they were just starting to run out of last year’s.  On the mantle stood small elf statues, made of porcelain and china, painted with the colors of cardinal, grass, poppies, lemon drops, sugarplums, and the ocean.   There was a small rented orchestra, from which floated sweet strains of gay Christmas music.    Clarice, her auburn hair combed until it shone like ice, wearing an ivy colored velvet dress with balloon sleeves and red lace edging the neck, sleeves, and hem, was looking at the shining silver flutes, deep-polished violin, viola, and cello.

Clara listened blissfully to the clarinet and oboe’s pungent strains.   The adults were whirling gaily in a waltz, the women’s skirts swirling and the scent of sweet perfumes filling the air as they passed.   Frauline Silberhaus (Clara’s mother), was greeting her guests as graciously as one could hope, even though Marie, in a pale lavender linen dress with a smocked bodice, was pulling at her skirt.   Clara, Teresa, Clarice, Floria Rievangentd and Opal Gustav, watched their mothers swirl and dip on the arms of their fathers.  They also had a small quarrel, over whose mother was the finest.   Frauline Silberhaus, in a bright lilac velvet dress with leg o’ mutton sleeves and a high neck, all studded with seed pearls, was indeed beautiful.   Like a sugar plum, Clara thought, as her parents whirled past and the scent of her mother’s perfume, Lily of the Valley, lingered behind to tickle her nose.

Then, the cook, Lies, and Apia, the maid, called to everyone that they could sit at the long, shining table covered with a snowy lace tablecloth.   The children all sat at one end of the table, the adults at the other.  Clara was sandwiched between  Michel and Teresa.   As she ate her chicken and potatoes, ham and apples, and white roll spread thickly with sweet, creamy butter, she couldn’t help but glance over at Michel once in a while.  Teresa noticed this and bit her lip to keep from giggling, but kicked Clara’s ankle gently under the table.  As she sipped her creamy rice soup, with bits of potato, beef, and small slivers of beans, she glanced once again and caught his eye.  She blushed and didn’t look over again.  Teresa’s giggling didn’t make her feel any better.

Clara was absolutely stuffed, but even so, she managed to eat a slice of creamy apple chiffon pie, with a swirl of sweet whipped cream, and vanilla ice cream.

After supper, the adults all sat and talked of the news of the town, and the children played a game of Needle-in-a-Haystack.  Then, seeing that the children were restless and the adults were quieted, Herr Drosselmeyer gestured to Michel and nodded.  Michell left the room into the hall, and pulling it by a rope, brought in an enormous present, wrapped in lilac and blush colored foil, with a blush bow at the top.  The children all rushed towards the box, and the adults leaned forward in their seats.

“Children!  Sit in a circle around the box.  Let the littlest ones up front, so they can see.  That’s much better…tallest to the back.  Good!” Herr Drosselmeyer instructed.  Once the arrangement pleased him, he untied the hug ribbon and the walls of the box collapsed and disappeared, revealing three life-sized dolls.  One, a ballerina, standing on her toes.  The second, a soldier, sword in hand.  Last, a mouse, with a crown on it’s head and a regal robe on his shoulders.

The ballerina had red-gold hair in sausage curled pigtails, tied with very large white bows, printed with Christmas trees and cardinals.   She had very pale, creamy white skin with red circles painted on her cheeks.   She had lifelike blue eyes, which looked almost as though they could laugh and cry like the childrens’ own.  She was wearing a stiff skirt made of white net tulle with white, green, and red satin drapes.  Her bodice was white satin and closely enveloped her stiff body.  She wore green stockings and red satin shoes with ribbons around her ankles, and she stood on the tips of her toes.  Her pale, stiff arms were parallel to the ground, with her elbows bent so her hands faced towards the sky.

The soldier had painted cheeks like the ballerina’s, but he wore a bright red and blue soldier’s uniform with silver medals and trimmings.  He stood at attention, with sword in hand.  The mouse was covered in gray plush, and had a regal golden crown on his head and purple-blue gold trimmed robe over is shoulders, clasped at the front with a ruby brooch.

When Herr Drosselmeyer clapped his hands, the ballerina sprung to life.  She danced backward, moving her legs up and down, touching her toes to her knee, while alternating legs.  She did quick, perfect turns, and high, quiet jumps.   Then, she landed from a perfect jump with ten leg-beats, and stood in quiet, serene stillness.  Drosselmeyer clapped again, and the soldier began to march.  Then he went into perfect, high militarious jumps and turns, intertwined with military marches and salutes. Then, the mouse began to dance.

He moved fluidly and silently, in a way that sent shivers up and down Clara’s spine.  Then, they fell silent, and the children stood up and screamed cheers until they were hoarse.

All the children, that is, except Fritz.  He sat there, on the floor, and frowned.  He thought the dolls were dumb, especially the soldier. That wasn’t how REAL soldiers marched and fought.  He stood up and whispered something to Johann, who nodded and whispered something to Pierre (Clarice’s younger brother), who whispered something to Tomas Gustav, who whispered it to Sebastien Rievangentd.  Then, they all sat down and, stony faced began to complain and boo and hiss the dolls.  Then, Fritz stood up and said, “That thing,” he pointed disgustedly to the soldier doll, “is a disgrace to all of Germany’s army.  And every other countries’ too.  We,” he gestured towards his friends, “will now show you how real soldiers march and fight.”

All the boys stood up, pulled out their dull silver swords and cap guns, and began to march in a straight formation, led by General Fritz Silberhaus.  Then, they stopped, turned to face the dolls, and at Fritz’s call of “CHARGE!,” they lunged at the dolls, poking with their sword and shooting their cap guns.  The girls screamed and cried and threw themselves over the dolls, being constantly poked by dull metal and hit by the corks of cap guns.

Then, Drosselmeyer, eyes practically on fire, swooped down in front of the boys and shooed them away.  The ladies rushed to the aid of their sobbing daughters and, in a cloud of perfume, pulled them up.  None of them were really badly hurt, Teresa had a darkening bruise on her upper left cheekbone where Johann had smacked her with the barrel of his cap gun, Clarice had a small red mark on her neck where she had been shot with a cap gun, and Clara had a long, shallow cut on her face where Fritz had cut her with his sword.  Floria and Opal had long, wide bruises on their legs where their brothers had kicked them.  All of the girls had rumpled dresses and tangled hair, and they all fell against heir mothers, sobbing.  The boys were being scolded by their fathers and were sent out to the hall, with Apia to watch them, for ten minutes.  The girls calmed down and were sitting playing with their dolls, some floppy rag dolls, some expensive china dolls, imported from places like Austria, America, or the Oriental Empire.

Clara’s doll was a china doll with a stuffed cloth body, pale white skin, shiny, curled brown hair tied with a violet silk ribbon, and wearing a violet silk dress, white apron, white stockings, and violet ankle-boots.  Her name was Meg March, and she was from America, a character in a story called Little Women.  Then, Clara’s doll brushed the cut on her face, and Clara cried out, softly and sharply, in pain.  Herr Drosselmeyer, doctor as he was, reached into his bag and put a slimy balm on her cut.  It stung and burned for a moment, then her pain subsided, her cheek numb.

Then, just as the boys were being allowed back in, Herr Drosselmeyer handed Clara a package wrapped in bright, shining blue paper, with a yellow ribbon.  She eagerly untied the ribbon and threw the lid off the box, then flung the sheets of thin, translucent tissue paper away from the gift inside.  Then, she pulled out a strange wooden doll, with a very large wooden jaw.  He had a painted soldier’s outfit with silver and gold painted metallic medals.  His arms moved up and down from the shoulders, his legs bent at the knees so he could march.  It’s a nutcracker! Thought Clara with delight.  She had seen the cheerful, smiling dolls in the frosted window of Schuelebenn’s Confectionery every year around this time, starting around Saturnalia and taken out around the New Year, and she had always wanted one.  She had never asked, but Herr Drosselmeyer knew everything, even the unspoken.  She hugged the Nutcracker, and danced around the festive, fanciful hall, showing him to all the guests.

“Oh, Godfather Drosselmeyer, thank you!” she cried, holding the nutcracker out to one side as she threw herself at her godfather, so as not to crush the nutcracker (or hurt her godfather, who was quite elderly).  But, as she did, her grip loosened, and Fritz lunged.  He grabbed the nutcracker, and holding it high over his head, began to spin violently, so the nutcracker flew out of his hands, purposely mind you, and smashed against the hard wood floor with a nauseating crunch.  Clara shrieked and sprinted towards her injured soldier, and as Fritz was about to jump on his head, she shoved him out of the way and fell to her knees, sobbing.  She scooped up her beloved nutcracker, the right side of his jaw completely cracked off.  Teresa, Clarice, Floria, and Opal ran to Clara and collapsed around her, crooning sympathetic words and offering her their small, lean purses with only a few marks each to her so she could buy a new one.  But Clara was inconsolable, sobbing and shaking, her eyes buried in the nutcracker’s soft fuzzy “hair”.

Michel and Drosselmeyer ran to Clara and shooed the girls away. Michel pulled a clean, white handkerchief out of the pocket of his navy blue velvet suit-coat, and handed it to Drosselmeyer, who bandaged the Nutcracker’s jaw.

“I’ll fix it in the morning Clara. You won’t be able to tell he was ever injured,” Drosselmeyer said, glancing out of the corner of his eye to see Fritz being pulled out of the room by his ear. Michel, who had disappeared, returned pushing a doll’s bed, brass, with curlicues and carved stars, and the soft, cushiony mattress covered by a lace coverlet, into the room. He stopped beside Clara and gently took the nutcracker away. She held firm for a moment; she was not going to let any boy touch him ever again! – Then, reluctantly, she let Michel take him and lay him in the bed, covered by the lacy doily. Then, Drosselmeyer helped Clara up; she was a little weak from crying, and said-

“Never mind the Nutcracker. He is a soldier, of course, and will be fine. Have a good time, the party will be over soon and I don’t want you to have a ruined Christmas night!” he looked at the orchestra and said, “Jingle Bells.” And the orchestra began to play. The children, two by two, began to promenade. Although all the girls wished it, Clara was chosen by Michel, and they led the small troupe of dancer around and around the hall, laughing. Teresa, who was dancing with Sebastien, winked at Clara and laughed and Clara stuck out her tongue at her best friend. Teresa looked hurt for a moment, then began to laugh. Although no one else knew why they were laughing, they began to laugh to, and the peals of laughter soon overpowered the music. Madame Jaques, who was wearing a blush-rose velvet dress with an ivory brocade shawl, looked at Michel and Clara, and turned to Frauline Silberhaus.

“I think your daughter is a little in love,” she said, in her heavily accented, but musical and fluid German.

Frauline Silberhaus looked at Madame Jaques and said, “No, that’s absurd,” and she laughed, but the laugh was tense, because when she looked into Clara’s eyes, she knew it was so. The large Grandfather clock, a gift from Drosselmeyer after an expedition to Scotland, chimed ten, and the party was over.

The Gustavs were first to leave, the baby, Angelinne, had to be put to bed. And as Opal donned her periwinkle cape, trimmed with pure white polar bear fur and embroidered with silver snowflakes, and her white gloves, which were a present from Clara she had received tonight, looked at Clara, standing guard over the tiny doll’s bed with Michel at her side, and shook her head. She didn’t understand that girl. The Rievangentds left soon afterward, and Floria, who was green with envy because she had not been chosen by Michel, did not even look again at Clara, as she tied the hood of her red cloak over her black curls and pale orange dress.

The Jaques left a few minutes later, after Clarice had kissed Clara’s cheek and told her what a nice party it was, and, as they walked out the door, Madame Jaques gave Frauline Silberhause an “I told you so” look. The Clausses left last, and as Teresa walked past Clara, she whispered “Luck is with you tonight!” in her ear softly, and Clara felt her ears darken scarlet. Drosselmeyer had already packed the dolls into his shiny black Renault automobile, and called to Michel. Michel turned to Clara and softly said, “It was a lovely party,” then he shook her hand. Clara found she could not let go, it was as if one of Drosselmeyer’s “hand in the cookie jar” spells had been placed on her. She looked square into Michel’s eyes and heard her mother, somewhere distant, far away, calling “Clara, Clara! It’s time for bed! You must let them go, it is hard and dangerous to drive at night!” and she thought maybe she heard Drosselmeyer calling Michel, but she wasn’t sure, she was far away, in a cloud, not in Germany, not on Earth, but somewhere far, far away, flying farther and farther away. Her mother came towards her and placed a hand on her shoulder, and was gently pulling her away, back to Earth. Drosselmeyer was doing the same to Michel, but the children refused to release hands. But Drosselmeyer pried their fingers apart and pulled Michel away, towards the door.

Later, as Clara was undressing and putting her nightgown on, she kept thinking about her nutcracker, alone and unprotected, downstairs in the dark. As she untied her sash, she saw Fritz grab the doll. She slipped the dress over her head and saw the nutcracker fly through the air. She stepped out of her stockings and saw it smash…. and smash….and smash again. She threw her nightgown over her head and, a blur of white lace, flew down the stairs wearing nothing but her nightgown and dressing shoes. She ran down the stairs for a long time, it seemed to her, forever. She ran down and down and down but never moved, she passed the same glittering chandelier, which reflected rainbows on the white and blue fleur-de-lis wallpaper although no light was hitting it.

She finally reached the hall where the tiny bed lay, overpowered completely by the enormous Christmas tree. She had to stumbled over to the Christmas tree, which had only two small candles, burned nearly to nothing, left lit. She grabbed one so she could se where she was going, and sat down beneath the tree beside her injured soldier’s tiny bed. She intended to carry him upstairs to her room so she wouldn’t have to worry about him there, all alone, but it was so late (the grandfather clock had just struck twelve midnight), and the tree was so dazzling, she couldn’t help but fall asleep.

Later, she awoke when she heard a strange skittering across the hard wooden floor, and a squeak.  She opened her eyes looked around in disbelief.  She saw the toys, cookies, and the tree, but they seemed ten times too large. Have they all grown up… or have I grown down? She wondered, stupefied.  Then, an enormous mouse, with seven heads, each wearing a numbered golden grown with a single ruby on each, and a sapphire on the largest, the one for his main head.  He had a large army of mice behind him and they all carried swords, and three pushed a cannon and a huge supply of ammunition…. Gum drops? And the toys were all alive, the cookies too, and they had hand grenades of jawbreakers, and bombs of powdered donuts.

Then, she saw the nutcracker, his jaw in a sling, at the head of the army of toys and cookies, and the mouse king-general yelled, “CHARGE!”  The mice rushed at the toys and cookies, and the Nutcracker’s army began to fight.  Three mice had captured Meg, who had been left downstairs in a dazed walk upstairs with mother.  Meg was… yes, she was screaming…as they tied her down to the railroad track of Fritz’s toy train.   A mouse started the train up and Clara covered her eyes, not daring to watch, but the nutcracker saved her and shooed her away to be a nurse for the injured cookie (she used frosting to re-attach broken limbs).  Fritz’s jungle-man doll and Marie’s rag doll Byurght, climbed up the tree and bombed the mouse’s army camp below, but Byurght fell – right into the mouse king’s arms, and he threw her aside and she collapsed.  Now, all the cookies were crumbled and the toy’s springs were not springing and their gears were all grinding, but the mouse king attacked once again.

Seven mice surrounded the nutcracker and the mouse king held his sword above the nutcracker’s throat and laughed an evil laugh.  Clara shrieked, “Oh, don’t you hurt my nutcracker!” and in rage, she took of her small, narrow, satin dressing shoe and aimed at the mouse king’s head.  She threw with all her might and hit him square between the eyes.  He swayed and fell down, dead.  His army, now outnumbered, ran away through the cracks in the walls in terror.  But, they didn’t get away before the nutcracker had cut off crown number seven.  Then, he placed it on Clara’s head, and then, a brilliant pink and gold light filled the dark hall, so bright that Clara had to cover her eyes with her lower arm.  But, she did look out as he golden hair swirled around her face and her nightgown whipped back in the wind.  Her nutcracker was now a handsome prince.  Why, he looks just like Michel! Thought Clara.

“Clara, first you were kind to me, and now you have saved my life!  Would you please come back to my kingdom with me and be my princess?” asked the handsome prince as he bent to kiss her hand.

“Of course!  The prince of Germany was my nutcracker?” she said, astonished.

“No! Of course not! I’m Prince Lemonpop, from the candy kingdom.  My stepmother turned me into a nutcracker two months ago, and she said I could only be a boy again if I could get a girl to love me, be the general of an army, win a battle, and retrieve the seventh crown of the evil mouse king, Jubileo.  A tall order to fill, wasn’t it?” he said, and laughed.

“Th…The CANDY kingdom?! You’re the prince of candy?” she asked, nearly yelling with delight.

“Of course!  Caramel! Pudding!” he called, and two fuzzy bumble bees with a dark brown sleigh between them appeared out of nowhere to whisk them away.

“Taste the carriage,” urged the prince with a smile.

“Taste the carriage?” Clara asked wrinkling her nose.

“Just taste it… I promise it’s good!” he said and broke a small chunk off his side of the carriage and handed it to her.  She sniffed it suspiciously and then- “It’s chocolate!” she cried in delight, and stuffed the sticky, sweet mass into her mouth and small rivers of chocolate oozed from the sides of her mouth.  As she giggled, she raised her hand to wipe her mouth only to find that her simple white nightgown had transformed into a shimmering, iridescent gown of shimmering satin and glazed lace, embedded with diamonds and silver glitter.  Then they passed into a snow-laden forest with silver trees and tiny, pearly birds. The snowflakes turned, flipped, and danced for them.

Then the snow queen, in a frosty white dress, on the arm of her frozen cavalier – “Jack Frost!” Clara cried in delight later – pointed their way to a licorice bridge over a river of vanilla seltzer. Clara dipped her hand over the side and sipped the frothy delight, then hiccuped, and the price laughed.  Then they reached the most marvelous, dreamy place Clara had ever seen.  There was the lake of seltzer, which changed flavors, the prince said, with every hour, like the river.  Currently, it too, was vanilla.  It also could be chocolate, orange, grape, strawberry, lime, raspberry, caramel, peanut butter, cola, almond, or cherry.  On this lake, marzipan frogs sat on fruit leather lily pads, catching licorice flies.  On a green buttercream field nearby, white chocolate unicorns with horns of saltwater taffy lounged by spun-sugar lambs.  Small houses of sugar wafers or graham cracker stood in a neat row on the grape fruit leather street, while tiny gummy rabbits, squirrels, and chipmunks skittered across the buttercream lawns, while a few children ice skated on a rink of pineapple gelatin.  Then, a spectacular sight- the candy castle, pink frosted sugar cookie, with melted sugar windows and marshmallow crenellation.  The whole village glistened as if dusted by sugar but then, Clara thought, it is dusted by sugar in the candy kingdom.

Then, a tall, lean palace guard with a handlebar mustache and orange hair, who was accompanied by a short, stout guard with a goatee and yellow hair, saw the prince coming, and, fumbling and bumbling, pulled out his gold cornet and blasted three quick, staccato notes: C, E, G!  Then, in the bat of an eye, all the subjects of Garshmalderer (the formal name for the candy kingdom) were lining the chocolate shaving sidewalk up to the caramel drawbridge on licorice strings over the Seltzer River.  They bowed in a perfect wave as they walked by, Clara floating on the arm of her royal prince.  Once inside the castle, the prince was taken up stairs to his room, which had been kept clean for him in high hopes of his return.

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December 5, 2009

A Quick Meditation on the Holidays

I have this memory of December years and years ago, the first night I was allowed to walk home from M’s house after dark alone: it was snowing just a little, the snowflakes small as the eye of a needle and swirling around the few streetlights on their stone poles, causing the patches of air around the lamplights to shimmer like water.

I could see my small warm white breath chugging in front of me; I was bundled in my first black peacoat and matching black beret with pink woolen gloves and black prairie boots — no cat-eye glasses yet, but the first vestiges of me having the confidence to wear what I like (though I’d never wear prairie boots now). The snow came to just below the tops of those black prairie boots, below the treads was a thin layer of ice where people had been kind enough to shovel their walks — but most people were not — and I kicked the sides of the snowdrifts, spraying icy crystals in cold arcs from my toes.

It was the first night that I had felt, in a very long time, like M was my friend and the first night that I’d ever felt like I was going to grow up, and that was OK. I hated change, I hated the idea of growing up, but that night, it seemed like perhaps — just perhaps — I would be happier grown up than as a middle school girl.

I now consider that to be the single most obvious epiphany anyone has ever had.

But I stood on the corner of her street and mine and I looked to my left, at the sight I’d begged to walk home in the dark to see: the house that always won the neighborhood award for Best Christmas Decorations, lit from foundation to rooftop in tiny sparkling gumdrops of red, amber, blue, emerald, and silver-white, each light magnified in its glimmer by the swirling snow.   Over my other shoulder, though, was the view into the front windows of the neighborhood’s haunted house — it didn’t look scary that night, through the eyelet lace curtains the family living there at the time had hung, buttery golden light pouring out onto the expanse of snow in their front lawn.

It was beautiful.

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October 28, 2009

Sssspooky…

When I was in sixth grade, I set out to write a scary story for Halloween.

I just found it on my computer, and it is undeniably terrifying.

…I wrote it in Curlz MT size 16.  There’s nothing scarier than that when you’re over the age of twelve.

The Cave
By Hayley, Age Eleven.

In 1970, a young girl named Cydney Nouvell went into a mysterious cave in the town of Glacier Falls, Nebraska.  Cydney went in to explore.  She never came out to tell what she had found.

Come 1980, one of Cydney’s old friends, Maria Slate, went into the cave to complete Cydney’s exploration.  Cydney’s family waited anxiously to find out whether their beloved Cydney was still alive.  They never found out. Maria also met Cydney’s mysterious fate.  The cave had claimed another victim.

Ten years later in 1990, Cydney’s younger sister, Kate Nouvell, went in the cave to search for her sister, and for Maria Slate.  The people of Glacier Falls never knew if those girls survived.  Kate never left the cave to tell them.

Josselyn Peterson and Pamela Mancusi sat on the banks of Tears Creek in Glacier Falls, Nebraska.  They were 12 years old, and had lived in Glacier Falls all their lives.  They knew the stories of Cydney and Kate Nouvell and Maria Slate by heart. They had memorized part of Maria’s spooky obituary:

“I will find my best
friend if it’s the last
thing I do.”
It was.

‘Yet Josselyn and Pamela weren’t afraid at all.  Or maybe they were, I don’t know.  They were not the sort of people who look like they would frighten easily.  Josselyn was tall and willowy. She had long arms, legs, and fingers.  She was a dancer, and always wore a long sleeved, v-neck, leotard, usually light turquoise or royal blue.  On the occasion that her hair wasn’t in a bun, it was in a long, thick ringleted ponytail from being twisted so tightly all the time.  On that day, Josselyn’s jeans had been rolled up so as not to get wet.  Pamela’s hair was cut short, to the bottoms of her ears. She had silvery, owl-eyed glasses.,  with the right lens scratched from when she dropped them in the mall parking lot.  She had bright black hair and soft blue eyes, as opposed to Josselyn’s elegant dark blonde hair and 20-20 glossy brown eyes.  Pamela was very petite, and not quite slender. She did not have as pretty and fair a face as Josselyn, but she had lovely, long fingernails.  Pamela’s mother was a manicurist, and her nails were always perfectly polished with horizontal rainbows.  Josselyn, however, had the nasty habit of biting her nails. Pamela was an art student and her tee shirt and cut-off jeans were spattered with paint and clay, but she didn’t care.  Pamela and Josselyn talked as the creek washed and bubbled gently over their feet.  They ate their picnic lunch out of the natural wicker basket;, and complemented one another on their cuisine.

“Pamela, how come, when you make the sandwiches, we can stand to eat them, while mine are completely inedible?”

“Probably because I use mayonnaise.  Why are your brownies thick and fudgy while mine are…”

“Like dirt? I don’t know.”

That kind of conversation was what was uttered that day as they ate chicken-and snow pea pitas, Sour Cream and Onion Ruffles potato chips, Josselyn’s fudge brownies, and Cherry Sprites.  When they finished their picnic, they decided to take a hike and see where the creek led.

“If it goes for more then four states, I’m turning back,” Pamela told Josselyn, probably, with Pamela’s risk-taker personality, only half kidding.

Then, she looked up and saw why Josselyn wasn’t answering.  Thunder clouds had taken over the once-blue sky.  Lightning split the sky into dark pieces.  Bone-chilling rain came down in sheets.  In seconds, the girls were drenched.  They started to run, and soon came to a short, stout cave.

“Shelter!” shouted Pamela, running toward it.

“Stop!” cried Josselyn, her eyes wide and her taupe skin white with fear, “It’s Cydney Nouvell’s cave!”

With that, she reached into her back pocket and took out three newspaper arcticles, quite damp.  The oldest showed a smiling pigtailed girl, holding spelunking gear.  The caption read

“The last sighting
of Cydney Nouvell”.

The next, no quite so old, had a smudgy photograph of a determined and slightly frightened looking pudge of a young woman. The caption was the obituary message.  Maria Slate.  The newest, least crumpled, colored arcticle depicted a very frightened (and quite sick) business-like woman.  Kate Nouvell.  All the pictures were taken outside this very cave.

“SO?” asked Pamela, shivering.  She was getting very annoyed.

“I wouldn’t go in there if I were you.  You know what happened to the last three people who did!”

“That doesn’t scare me at all.  Besides, we don’t even know what happened to them.  For all we know, they went to OZ.  At least it doesn’t rain there.  I’m going in!”  Pamela stepped boldly into the cave…. And was surrounded by pitch black.  She heard laughing from deep inside the cave

“Oh Cydney!” said an echoey, hollow voice.

Pamela gave a blood-curdling scream that echoed and re-echoed inside the cave.  Josselyn knew she would never forget the horror of that scream.  She ran into the cave.

“PAMELA! PAMELA, CAN YOU HEAR ME?” Josselyn screamed, sure there would be no answer.

“I’m here, “ called Pamela, with an unnerving calm.  Josselyn almost cried with relief.

“Where are you?” Josselyn questioned.

“In the back of the cave.” Pamela’s voice sounded different, Josselyn realized, hollower and raspier. She began to sprint, thinking that Pamela might be trapped or hurt, which would explain the voice change.  But when she reached the end of the dark cave, she almost fainted at what she saw.  Although the rest of the cave was as black as night, the finish was bathed in an eerie bright light.   The cavern floor held a bottomless, glowing pool.  But that was not the reason Josselyn felt queasy.  In the pool were four girls.  One, pigtailed and smiling. Of the other two, one was younger and frightened, the other, older and cross.  The last girl made Josselyn nearly have a heart attack.  That girl used to be Pamela.  All four were glowing water ghosts, transparent and wet, with glowing eyes.

“Come in Josselyn,” said the former Pamela, as if in a trance, “Come play with us!”  An unearthly, supernatural force pulled Josselyn towards the pool, towards her late friend.  Josselyn turned and ran.  All through the twisting tunnels of the cave, Pamela’s voice echoed, “Come play with us!”

But Josselyn didn’t turn back. If she surrendered to Pamela, Cydney, Maria, and Kate’s ghosts, she too would never leave the cave.  She didn’t stop running until she was out of the cave, down the creek, and in her own house.  Once she stopped, she broke down crying.  Josselyn never told anyone where she’d been that day, nor what she’d seen.  Pamela’s calling voice still haunts her, day and night, dawn to dusk Never go near that cave, or follow Tears Creek.   Pamela will call to you, too.  Stay far away.  Far, far away. That is my advice to you, as the sole survivor of that cave.
By: Josselyn Peterson-Kokoloauski
Copyright 2034

The moral of the story is, keep writing, and you will improve.  Also, stay away from caves.

And apparently I liked Sour Cream & Onion Chips when I was a pre-teen.

I suppose I’ve aged in more than just my writing skills.

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October 23, 2009

Friday Free-For-All: Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

In 1999, I wrote this entire meme down in my diary for safekeeping.

1. If you throw a cat out of a window, does it become kitty litter?
2. If you choke a smurf, what color will he turn?
3. If you take an Asian person and put him in Africa while spinning him around, is he then disoriented?
4. Is it okay to use AM radio in the PM?
5. What do chickens think everything tastes like?
6. What is a male ladybug called?
7. What do people in China call their good plates?
8. What does the DMV put as the hair color of a bald man?
9. When dog food claims to have “New and Improved” flavor… who tests it?
10. Why didn’t Noah swat the two mosquitoes?
11. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
12. Why doesn’t superglue stick to the inside of the bottle?
13. Why is it called “tourist season” if we can’t shoot them?
14. Why are there drive-thru liquor stores when it’s illegal to drink and drive?
15. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
16. Why are there interstates in Hawai’i?
17. Why are there only flotation devices in the seats of planes, and not parachutes?
18. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking at gas stations is prohibited?
19. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
20. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?
21. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
22. If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
23. If olive oil is made by crushing olives, how is baby oil made?
24. If a cow laughs hard enough, will milk come out of her nose?
25. Why are there Braille dots on the keypads of drive-up ATMs?
26. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but if you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
27. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
28. Why do you drive on parkways and park on driveways?
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends separately?
30. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
31. Why are apartments called apartments if they’re all stuck together?
32. If the opposite of pro is con, is congress the opposite of progress?
33. If flying is so safe, why are airports called terminals?
34. If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?

I really wasn’t as clever in middle school as I thought.

What’s your favorite riddle?

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October 11, 2009

The Top Fifty Cartoon Characters of All Time – Part I

Proof That While Delayed, I Do Deliver

Proof That While Delayed, I Do Deliver

While this blog took longer to put together than I originally anticipated, here it is: the top fifty cartoon characters ever…

In my opinion.

Like the TV Guide list with which I disagree, probably because I’m not a GenXer, my list is rated by “relatability.”  So, I want to know your opinions.  Who did I forget?  Who made my list that should not be included? I want to take your ideas and turn out, in November, the ultimate Top Fifty Cartoon Characters of All Time.

TV Guide’s 2002 Greatest Cartoon Characters of All Time

1. Bugs Bunny
2. Homer Simpson
3. Rocky and Bullwinkle
4. Beavis and Butt-head
5. The Grinch
6. Fred and Barney
7. Angelica Pickles
8. Charlie Brown and Snoopy
9. SpongeBob SquarePants
10. Cartman
11. Bart and Lisa Simpson
12. Fat Albert
13. The Powerpuff Girls
14. Daffy Duck
15. Pikachu
16. Gumby
17. Betty Boop
18. Top Cat
19. Mickey Mouse
20. Popeye
21. Gerald McBoing-Boing
22. Scooby-Doo
23. Underdog
24. Josie and the Pussycats
25. Heckle and Jeckle
26. Arthur
27. Winnie the Pooh
28. Felix the Cat
29. Mr. Magoo
30. George of the Jungle
31. Ren and Stimpy
32. Tom Terrific
33. Tweety and Sylvester
34. Bill
35. Space Ghost
36. Yogi Bear and Boo Boo
37. Mighty Mouse
38. Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner
39. Superman
40. Batman
41. Daria
42. Wonder Woman
43. Donald Duck
44. Alvin
45. Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale
46. Woody Woodpecker
47. Porky Pig
48. Bobby Hill
49. Speed Racer
50. Tom and Jerry

Hayley Anne Perkins’ Top Fifty Cartoon Characters of All Time

Icon 001
1. Scooby-Doo,
Hanna-Barbera
Icon 002
2.  Mickey Mouse,
Steamboat Willie
Icon 003
3.  Snoopy,
Peanuts
Icon 004
4.  The Grinch,
How the Grinch Stole…
Icon 005
5.  Linus Van Pelt,
A Charlie Brown Christmas
Icon 006
6.  Dino Flintstone,
The Flintstones
Icon 007
7.  Elroy Jetson,
The Jetsons
Icon 008
8.  Doug Funnie,
Nickelodeon’s Doug
Icon 009
9.  Underdog,
Underdog
Icon 010
10.  Rocky & Bullwinkle,
Rocky & Bullwinkle
Icon 011
11.  Winnie-the-Pooh,
The Hundred Acre Wood
Icon 012
12.  Patti Mayonnaise,
Nickelodeon’s Doug
Icon 013
13.  Tino Tonitini,
The Weekenders
Icon 014
14.  Arthur Read,
Arthur
Icon 015
15.  Velma Dinkley,
Hanna-Barbera
Icon 016
16.  The Muppet Babies,
The Muppet Babies
Icon 017
17.  Minnie Mouse,
Walt Disney
Icon 018
18.  Boris Badenov &
Natasha Fatale
Icon 019
19.  Rosie the Robot,
The Jetsons
Icon 020
20.  Animated Lizzie,
Lizzie McGuire
Icon 021
21.  Pepperment Patty,
Peanuts
Icon 022
22.  Theodore,
The Chipmunks
Icon 023
23.  Charlie Brown,
Peanuts
Icon 024
24.  Squidward,
Spongebob Squarepants
Icon 025
25.  Cosmo & Wanda,
The Fairly Odd-Parents
Icon 026
26.  Peabody & Sherman,
Rocky & Bullwinkle
Icon 027
27.  The Gummi Bears,
The Gummi Bears
Icon 028
28.  Stan & Kyle,
South Park
Icon 029
29.  Lisa Simpson,
The Simpsons
Icon 030
30.  Roger,
American Dad!
Icon 031
31.  Shaggy Jones,
Hanna-Barbera
Icon 032
32.  Ms. Frizzle,
The Magic School Bus
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33.  Betty & Barney Rubble,
The Flintstones
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34.  Judy Jetson,
The Jetsons
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35.  Daphne & Fred,
Hanna-Barbera
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36.  Cindy Lou Who,
How The Grinch Stole…
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37.  Cartman,
South Park
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38.  The Archies,
The Archies
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39.  Philip J. Fry,
Futurama
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40.  Clone High Character
Ensemble
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41.  Garfield,
Garfield & Friends
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42.  Tommy Pickles,
Rugrats
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43.  Futurama Character
Ensemble
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44.  Betty Boop,
Betty Boop
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45.  The Care Bears
Character Collection
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46.  Rainbow Brite,
Rainbow Brite
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47.  Lois Griffin,
Family Guy
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48.  D.W. Read,
Arthur
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49.  Huey, Dewey, & Louie,
DuckTales
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50.  Tiny Toons,
Tiny Toons
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October 1, 2009

Banned Books Week: Throwing Pots

When I was in grades K-12, my mother was always heavily involved in our local school district.  When I was in elementary school, she was the president of our PTA (Parent-Teacher Association), and as I got older, she moved upwards in the ranks until she was the president of the local School Board.

This morning, I called her and thanked her for never banning a book.

All week, I have been reading about the struggles had recently by Laurie Halse Anderson and Lauren Myracle, and thinking about J.K. Rowling and Phillip Pullman and Mark Twain and Judy Blume… and I salute them for telling their stories the way they are meant to be told, the way they needed to be told.

When I was in fourth grade, I came home with a copy of Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing and my mother caught me reading it in my lap at the table while I had my after-school snack, and she asked what I was reading so intently.

“It’s a book by Judy Blume,” I said.  “I really like it, she’s a really good writer.”

Then, my mother and I had a talk about Judy Blume, and how she writes books for all different ages, so while it was OK for me to read the Fudge & Peter Hatcher books in fourth grade, she didn’t want me to read other Judy Blume books yet.  But, she said, when I was in fifth grade, I could read Are You There God?  It’s Me, Margaret and Starring Sally J. Freedman as Herself.

She did not want me to read Deenie or Tiger Eyes or Forever until at least when I was in high school.

And of course, I thought this was unfair, because Judy Blume is a fantastic writer, but I listened, because she explained to me why she didn’t want me reading those books yet, and about how different subjects are appropriate for children at different ages and stages of life.

I thanked her for that this morning, too.  It is immense that she had that discussion with me instead of just forbidding me to read any more Blume books, even though she knew that I might have my curiosity piqued and promptly go attempt to check out Forever from the public library.

In all honesty, had she forbidden it, I would have done exactly that.

But the dialogue educated me so much more, and when I did finally read Forever, I was well-equipped to understand why I’d needed to mature and wait.  When I read Forever, I was seventeen, and in no way was the book “bad” for me, or “harmful.”

And yet Forever is still the 13th Most Frequently Challenged book in America.

I think that the reason that books are banned is that many parents are so afraid of having those discussions with their children, because they fear that the repercussions of introducing that there may be inappropriate ideas in the world is the same as introducing those inappropriate concepts themselves.

I feel like books and concepts and discussions all have to go hand-in-hand to have any meaning whatsoever… reading Forever would not have had the same impact on me had I not talked with my mother about it some eight years before.  At the same time, I think I would have read Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing differently and never had the guts to approach Are You There God?  It’s Me, Margaret without knowing that something else was coming… I was growing and building to something and that there were things out there that really did change when you were a grown-up.

In seventh grade, when our school celebrated ALA Banned Books Week and my class read The Giver, my teacher, Ms. Fitzgibbons, (who was brilliant; one of the best teachers that I ever had) likened growing up to the process of throwing a pot: every person is born freeform, like a lump of clay, and every experience you ever have — every word you read, every discussion you have — is like another hand on the potter’s wheel.  You cannot unlive an experience or unread a word or untalk a talk any more than the clay could become untouched and raw again.  The words we read are like only right hands, and the words we speak and hear only left hands.  Without both, the pot comes out lopsided and can’t be fully functional.

The metaphor is a little convoluted, but the endpoint is clear.

If you only read challenged books on the sly, hidden with your penlight in your closet, then you are missing an essentially important part of the process: Why did the author write those words?  Why did your parents or school or town not want you to read them?

Your pot will be floopy and lopsided and fall over all the time and will never be good at carrying water.

I know.  I was not supposed to be reading the last three books of the Janie Johnson series by Caroline Cooney, but I was so intrigued by the first and I thought Reeve was so dreamy (Reeve!  His name was Reeve!  Clearly, he was a hunk!) that I ignored my mother saying, “No, there are some things that I don’t want you to read.”

And I hid the fact that I read them anyway, and kept them under my mattress.

And I still feel squirmy inside now, in a bad, stomach-full-of-snakes way, when I hear the names “Reeve” or “Janie” because I knew, while reading their sex scene, that I was doing something wrong even though they weren’t.  I wasn’t supposed to be reading that book, and instead of understanding and growing and appreciating the story, I felt…

Floopy.  And lopsided.

Do I think that the Janie Johnson series should be banned because I felt badly after reading it?

Absolutely not.  Emphatically, fist-shakingly assuredly not.

But do I wish I had talked about it with someone older and trusted when it confused me… just like Harry Potter does whenever he is thrown a situation he doesn’t feel he can handle on his own in another frequently-banned series?

Absolutely yes.

Would it have been profoundly awkward to tell my mom that I’d read Whatever Happened to Janie, The Voice on the Radio, and What Janie Found?

Emphatically, first-shakingly, assuredly YES.

But would it have been better to have talked about why the pressure Reeve puts on Janie to have sex made me feel so uncomfortable?

Also yes.

While I feel kind of squicky writing about Reeve and Janie and how awkward I felt and how very much too young I was to have read Caroline B. Cooney’s books when I did (at age eleven), I am still glad that they were available for me to find and read and learn that lesson.

Even though maybe that part of my pottery is kind of dented.

Because if books are banned…

If they aren’t allowed at all…

Then the clay just sits.

And waits.

And dries out to nothing at all, except a pale and crackled slab that cannot even absorb water, much less carry it towards those who need it.

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September 25, 2009

Friday Free-For-All: Pointe Shoes

Isadora Duncan said (and I’m paraphrasing),

“When I was in ballet school, my teachers told me to put on points. When I asked him why, he said, ‘Because it is beautiful.’ I said no, it was ugly and unnatural, and I would not put them on…”

Now, I love Isadora Duncan. One of the greatest compliments I have ever gotten was being told that I had “arms like Isadora” (which is also my favorite name for the band I will probably never have). But I completely disagree with her philosophy on pointe shoes.

I got my first pair of pointes when I was twelve. It was the summer before seventh grade, and I had been working towards the ultimate goal of toe shoes for nine years years — and by working, I really mean working. My dance teachers made me relearn to stand and walk before I was even allowed to take the balance and bone density tests — I stood with my weight on the inner edge of my feet, so that the arches rested flat on the ground. I had to practice standing and, more difficult, shifting weight and walking, with my feet readjusted to properly displace my weight on the soles of my feet.

They examined my progress almost every day for the last year before I was finally allowed to get the shoes. It exhausted my calf muscles and, in my indignant opinion, is the reason I have cankles. They’re only little cankles. Much more “-ankle”y than… “c-.”

However, it finally worked, and I stand correctly — which does, as much as I hate my cankles, make my hips and knees feel a lot better than they did when I was very young and had to stand for any real length of time — and was allowed to get pointe shoes.

As per my studio’s requirements, I went to a professional fitter for my shoes. This was a zaftig old Russian-American woman with bleach-blonde, voluminous hair, inch-long curved fingernails, drawn on eyebrows, and the autographs of all of the Joffrey and Milwaukee Ballet dancers whom she had fitted proudly displayed on all of her walls. Before I could be fitted, I had to meet her Requirements:

  • Less than 10% curvature of the spine
  • Less than 21% body fat
  • Pink ballet tights, no runs
  • Sleeveless dark-colored leotard
  • Perfect ballet bun in hair
  • The ability to stand on demi-pointe in first position 1minute+
  • The ability to stand on demi-pointe in second position 1minute+
  • The ability to stand on demi-pointe in fifth position 1minute+
  • The ability to stand on demi-pointe on right and left food, respectively, in retirée 1minute+

Mind you that these Requirements were all “by her observation,” not by actual medical standards.

Basically, you had to Look Like A Dancer.

Once I was deemed acceptable, she examined my feet. She also informed me that I have the biggest big toes she’s ever seen, and even took pictures of my feet for her Foot Book (a little creepy, yeah).

So, I’m a big-big-toed freak. Awesome.

Then, FINALLY, I got to get fitted for my shoes. First I learned to use lambs’ wool to cushion my toes from bearing the full brunt of my weight against the floor (take a 8-10 inch long piece of specialized lambs’ wool. Flatten into an 8″x4″ rectangle. Comb out. Fold in half. Wrap around toes, from cuneiform metatarsals, spreading to cover tips of toes, particularly cushioning first cuneiform and toe tips, like a banana skin).

Then we tried a pair of shoes. Gaynor Minden, high vamp, low arch. Clearly not the right shoes for my foot.

Then a second pair — Sansha, wide box, ultralow vamp, medium arch. Also not right, which was OK with me, because they were matte and I wanted the satin as long as I was allowed to keep it (we had to calomine our shoes into matching matte pink clones for performances).

Then, a third pair: Grishko, with a severely tapered toe on an extra-wide box, extralow vamp, 3/4-height steel roll-through shank, medium-low arch.

I had my first pointe shoes.

I rose onto pointe for the first official time, and Sylvia (the fitter) snapped a polaroid for me. My mom was taking pictures, too, but I love the polaroid best because it somehow feels the most “official.”

Isadora, you were wrong.

They might be unnatural, sure, but pointe shoes are beautiful.

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July 24, 2009

Friday Free-For-All: In Honor of Harry Potter, Part II

Meme/survey taken from one of my favorite people and favorite bloggers, Sarah Colangelo, of Technicolor World and A Dash of Ribaldry.  However, to her second-least-favorite character assessment, I say: HOW DARE YOU?

Hey, there were wizards…

All time favorite character?
Ginny Weasley

List the books in order from your favorite to your least favorite.
1. GoF
2. CoS
3. OotP
4. HBP
5. SS
6. DH
7. PoA

List the movies in order from your favorite to your least favorite.

1. CoS
2. PoA
3. OotP
4. SS
5. GoF
6. I haven’t seen HBP yet, but am tomorrow!  I know, I’m inexcusably late.

Favorite chapter from your favorite book?

Not for the first time, an argument had broken out over breakfast at Number Four, Privet Drive… /or/ several sunlit days…

Top 5 favorite characters?
1. Ginny Weasley
2. Moaning Myrtle
3. Molly Weasley
4. Justin Finch-Fletchley
5. Arnold.  You think I’m kidding, but I’m not.  Or maybe McGonagall, because she was awesome, too.  Or Fred.

Five least favorite characters?
1. Zacharias Smith
2. Fleur Delacoeur
3. Severus Snape.  Don’t you make that face at me.  I really said it.
4. Vernon Dursley
5. Bellatrix Lestrange.  I don’t find her to be as intimidating as the other Death Eaters.

Favorite member of the Golden Trio?
Ron

Favorite family?
The Weasleys

Favorite antagonist?
Dolores Umbridge inspires more hatred in me than Lord Voldemort does, but Fenrir Greyback might be the most chilling children’s lit character of all time.  Not that I consider Harry Potter children’s lit in the slightest, personally.

Favorite Death Eater?
Fenrir Greyback… BECAUSE he’s so terrifying.

Three favorite spells?
Prior Incantato
Avis
Expecto Patronum

Three favorite potions?
1. Amortentia
2. Felix Felicis
3. Pumpkin Juice

Favorite Non-Hogwarts magical building?
Either The Burrow or the idea of the Shrieking Shack.

Favorite Diagon Alley shop?
Florean Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlor or the owlery

Favorite Hogsmeade Shop?
Honeydukes!

Favorite Unforgivable Curse?
Imperius

Favorite mode of wizard transportation?
The Floo Network, because the description of Floo Powder is gorgeous.

Favorite Weasley?
Ginny.   Followed by Molly.  Followed by Fred.

Favorite Order Member?
Original: Gideon & Fabian Prewett; 1990s: Minerva McGonagall.

Favorite DA Member?
Aside from the obvious (Ginny), easily Angelina Johnson.

Favorite pet?
Arnold!

Favorite Hogwarts room?
The Prefects’ Bathroom

Favorite Hogwarts Professor?
Minerva McGonagall; outside of her, Professor Sprout.

Favorite non-human Hogwarts resident?
Firenze

Favorite Tri-Wizard Champion?
Harry, actually.  But I think it’s asking aside from him, in which case, I’ll say “Cedric by default.”

Favorite House Elf?
Dobby

Favorite Wizard sweet?
Chocolate Cauldrons

Favorite canon couple?
H/G FOR LIFE!

Favorite non-canon couple?
Neville/Katie

Biggest surprise of the series?
HOW COULD HARRY BE A HORCRUX?  THAT MAKES VOLDEMORT’S INABILITY TO POSSESS HIM MAKE NO SENSE!

Biggest letdown of the series?

I will sound like a loser and completely uneducated when I say this, but: “Albus Severus”?  Really?

Actually, the biggest letdown was that Ms. Rowling made Dumbledore, her allegory for constant goodness, fallible, without making Voldemort — constant evil — at all redeemed.

One character you wish lived?
Fred Weasley, or one of Teddy’s parents.

Moment that will always make you cry?
“Here lies a free elf.”

Your Patronus would be___?
An owl!  Or a peacock.  Or a turtle!

Three things Amortentia would smell like to you?
Dusty book pages, baking bread, and brown sugar.

You would use Felix Felicis to___?
Green.

Job you would most like to try?
Hmmm… Madame Rosmerta has a fascinating job, I think, because she interacts with such a diverse clientele of magical beings.

Ron/Hermione or Harry/Hermione?
Ron/Hermione.  The Good Ship.

James/Lily or Snape/Lily?
James/Lily.  There’s certain canon that I just can’t mess with, even in my head.

Do you know which page Dumbledore was killed on?
No.

Do you think Harry Potter is better than Twilight?
That’s like asking if soda is better than steak.  They’re completely, completely different genres, styles, levels of social responsibility and social commentary, and are aimed at evoking nearly opposite audience response.  After saying that, yes: I find Harry Potter more engaging, inspiring, and multilayered than Twilight, but I think the Twilight fandom enjoys itself more than the Harry Potter fandom has in the last few years (since the books/speculation ended).

Are you going to go see the Half Blood Prince in theatres?
Tomorrow!  FINALLY!

Do you own the books/movies?
The books, yes; the movies, only SS, CoS, and PoA.  I may buy GoF Used On Amazon, for a certain actor who played a doomed Triwizard Champion.

Have you ever played any of the video games?
I’ve played two video games, on one occasion each, in my entire life.  And neither was a Harry Potter game.

Don’t they kind of suck?
I believe you…

Do you think it would be cool to have a pet owl?
Yes!  But only if it were a Scops owl like Pigwideon, because owl pellets are gross.

How about a rat?
No… their tails scare me a little.

Have you ever listened to the soundtrack?
It’s one of the few orchestral film scores I own.

Which house would you want to be in?
I think I would want to be in Gryffindor by default, since we know their House best, but I would probably be sorted into Slytherin because I’m ambitious.

Do you like Draco?
I don’t dislike him, but I never thought he’d become redeemed and transition into a likeable character.  Fanon Draco annoys me to no end, which may be at fault.

Would you ever enter the Triwizard tournament?
Most likely not, because I’m bad at being outdoors.

Would you keep your money in Gringotts?
I mean… It’s kind of like… THE option.

What class would be your favorite?
History of Magic, Transfiguration, and Charms.

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July 17, 2009

Friday Free-For-All: In Honor of Harry Potter

Dated December 23, 2002, from my diary:

Amy and my BRILLIANT theory to the world of Harry Potter… it was actually MY theory, but I’m letting her share the credit.

Our idea as to why Voldemort wanted to kill Harry and James Potter is as follows:

According to a theory on Mugglenet.com (and our own slightly slow common sense), Harry and James were both heirs to Gryffindor – they lived in Godric’s hollow, and Harry succeeded in pulling Gryffindor’s sword out of the Sorting Hat during his battle with the Basilisk, the monster of Slytherin. Voldemort, knowing this and being the heir to Slytherin, targeted them because he wanted to finish Salazar’s work and end the quibble that had arisen between the two Hogwarts founders.

To further confuse you, Neville is a parallel to Peter Pettigrew, as they both were tag-alongs to three more popular and powerful wizards in their year.

Ginny is a parallel to Lily, because they both have red hair and are at nature good people and physically beautiful.

Since Neville is a parallel to Pettigrew, and has shown interest in Ginny, who is in turn parallel to Lily, we think that Pettigrew was attracted to Lily.

Voldemort, knowing that Pettigrew had lusted for Lily, and had had his heart broken when James married her, got Pettigrew to unleash his hidden wrath towards James by betraying James and Harry’s whereabouts to Voldemort.

We know that Voldemort did not have any interest in murdering Lily until she got in the way of him killing Harry. He even told her, “Stand aside, silly girl!” Therefore, we know that he, being the heir of Slytherin, was only after the heirs of Gryffindor – James and Harry – and not Lily, who was just Lily.

So that is our theory as to why Voldemort wanted to murder Harry and James Potter.

teehee, gigglegiggle. bahahahahahahaa.

WE ARE BLOODY BRILLIANT!!!!!!

The best part of Harry Potter, for me, was always the research into myth and legend and supernaturalism that came after reading each new book, trying to fit every cleverly named character and spell into its place in the world that J.K. Rowling so lovingly created.  I don’t necessarily agree with all of the ways her lore tied itself up in the last book, but that’s part of its lasting appeal for me — last week, one of my best friends and I had a debate for about two hours about whether or not Harry really should have played the role he did in the final battle against Voldemort (*treading lightly for fear of spoiling*).

That series is just so smart.

What do you like best about your favorite book series?

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