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February 11, 2010

When Your Failboat Hits the Blogging Iceberg

At this very moment, I am doing A Very Scary Thing.

I am writing a blog entry.

“Why is that scary?” you might ask.  “You write every day!  You Tweet!  You comment on LiveJournal!”

“That’s different,” I might respond.  “That is responding to someone.  I know there’s a person on the other end reading my words, and I know I don’t sound totally stupid.  Or… if I do, it’s only 140 characters of teh dumb.”

I think my phobia of blogging stems from three distinct stimuli:

1.  I really loved Meg Cabot’s blog in high school.

2.  I was a geek in first grade.

3.  Blog entries, other than Book Bloggers Get Blogged, are about myself and not about a friend, acquaintance, or fictional character.

When I was sixteen, I thought Meg Cabot was the coolest, funniest, savviest, most insightful person alive.  I mean, let’s face it, she still is.  All-American Girl and Princess in Love still make me laugh out loud every time I read them, and that really speaks to their lasting humor, considering how often I reread books.

I think what I admired — and still admire, and now envy — most about Meg’s blogging is her way of making her own life read like a hilarious, engaging story.  I have that ability in person, I think… I hope… maybe… but I psych myself out when it comes to blogging.  I get great blog ideas in the shower every day (as a Digital Age baby is wont to do) and I open up Wordpress and look at the blank textbox and freeze up.

November 2006

I am once again setting myself the goal of blogging more like Meg Cabot. Or, actually, more like the Princess Diaries books. Maybe it will help me to develop talent for writing. Or at least give me some material about which to crappily write. Whichever.

Although I’ve gotta say, in general, I find people who blog about “What happened to me today” to be completely ridiculous, because, I hate to tell them, people generally really don’t care about what you did today. Like my roommate, for instance, who updates her Livejournal about four times a day and writes about how she… sat at her desk, writing on LJ.

Four years later, I still think that’s true, and that is the reason for my Blog Stimuli #1: Meg Cabot Is Cool.  When she blogs about her day, she’s able to make me care and laugh and envy and think.  Of course, part of that stems from the fact that her days seem to be pretty fascinating — she gets to wear a tiara, for pete’s sake!  She knows Judy Blume!  She gets TV channels!

I realize that many blogs’ format is to include aspects of daily life along with a hook (and Meg’s hook is simply, “I Am Meg Cabot”), but… I don’t know.  Even blogs that I find fascinating have some sort of hook, a reason why I pay attention — and it’s rarely the actual blog portion.

Foodblogs?

I like the pictures. Food is really pretty, especially macarons, which are the benchmark of a good foodblog.

Sleep Talkin’ Man?

…Does anyone read the little italics after what Man has Sleep-Talked?   I don’t.  I just read the bits about how kittens have TOO MANY WHISKERS, TOO MANY WHISKERS!

The authors whose blogs I enjoy intimidate me for a different reason, however.  They are more closely related to my Blog Phobia Stimuli #2: I Was A Geek In First Grade.

Actually, to be more honest, I was a geek from age one onward.  But first grade is really the impetus of my blogosphereophobia.  (It’s a real word.  It is.  Swear.)

In first grade, my elementary school hired a Music Appreciation teacher who seemed to completely miss the part of her teacher certification in which she should have been informed that first graders are six years old, do not generally have musical training, and listen to things like Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Brother For Sale or I, Grover.  Sometime in October, she gave us the assignment of writing an original Christmas carol.

Because we totally knew how to compose music.

Because we were absolutely not six years old.

So I went home and I worked and I worked and I wrote out some lyrics about ornaments, and I brought my song to school.

Every time I sit down to write a blog entry, I feel like I’m wearing my pink leggings and sitting on the too-big piano bench, being made to try to play the piano and sing an original Christmas carol in front of my pantsuit-clad, spiral-permed music teacher and twenty-two other kids who already tease me every day.

The teacher started laughing halfway through the first verse of my song and told me I was murdering her piano, which really should have been expected as I had never touched one before in my entire life, but the worst part was not the teacher belittling me.  It was the reactions of my classmates.  Three or four kids laughed at me back, but most everyone else just sat on the floor, watching the glowing lights in their Lite-Up shoes.  On the one hand, it’s awesome that probably no one else remembers the moment of my mortification, but on the other, it would have been really nice to have just one kid stand up and say, “Hey!  You never taught us piano, lady!  You can’t laugh at us for not knowing how to play!”

This would never have happened in a first grade Music Appreciation classroom, but it’s the emotion that counts.  My fear of blogging is less about sounding stupid and boring, and more about not sounding like anything at all.

That feeling is what segues into Blogosphereophobia Stimuli #3: I Am Not A Fictional Character.

I love writing about fictional characters.

I would hope that this is somewhat obvious, at this point.

Ever since I discovered that I was allowed to create my own characters, it’s been my passion, but more than that, it’s the discovery of someone else’s life, motivations, and experiences that fascinates me.  It’s why I studied History, Journalism, and Creative Writing in college.  It’s why I enjoyed interviewing popstars for Tommy2.net and why I liked transcribing long, rambling recollections of WWII vets for PBS.  Listening to the conversations around me was my favorite part of being a barista in New York City, and the one part of being a college admission counselor that really suited me was speaking one-on-one with really great, interesting prospective students.

But I already know me!

So, to make my Blogosphereophobia less severe, tell me: Who are you?  What do you like reading blogs about?  How did you stumble across my little blog, and what do you want to know about me?

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December 31, 2009

Countdowns of 2009: The Best Blog/Diary/Journal Entries of the Decade

Let’s party like it’s ten years ago today!

My Favorite Blog/Diary/Journal Entries of the Decade

* Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

99% of these probably don’t make sense to anyone, even the other people who were there.  A few of them barely still make sense to me.  I think that’s the sign of a decade well-lived, don’t you?

June 12, 2000

(2009 Note: This is a clear example of why not to write comics with your friends, about your friends, that only your friends could understand.)

The Fighting Fitzpeople

July 4, 2001

The most EMBARRASSING thing that ever happened to me…..

THE MOST embarrassing thing that EVER happened to me was, well, see, one day, the clasp on my bra broke and so my mom brought me another one, and I put the broken bra into a bag in my binder.  2 Weeks later, Eugene stole the bag out of my binder and left it in the Spanish room.  Chris M. found it, waved it around, and Sra. L. HUNG IT IN THE DOORWAY w/ a sign that said “¿De quien es esta bra?”  So I made a sign the next day that said “Don’t go through others’ binders (Eugene!)” so Ann made a sign that said “Don’t leave your bra in the Spanish Room (HAYLEY!!!)”

December 26, 2002

Amy and my BRILLIANT theory to the world of Harry Potter… it was actually MY theory, but I’m letting her share the credit.

Our idea as to why Voldemort wanted to kill Harry and James Potter is as follows:

According to a theory on Mugglenet.com (and our own slightly slow common sense), Harry and James were both heirs to Gryffindor – they lived in Godric’s hollow, and Harry succeeded in pulling Gryffindor’s sword out of the Sorting Hat during his battle with the Basilisk, the monster of Slytherin. Voldemort, knowing this and being the heir to Slytherin, targeted them because he wanted to finish Salazar’s work and end the quibble that had arisen between the two Hogwarts founders.

To further confuse you, Neville is a parallel to Peter Pettigrew, as they both were tag-alongs to three more popular and powerful wizards in their year.

Ginny is a parallel to Lily, because they both have red hair and are at nature good people and physically beautiful.

Since Neville is a parallel to Pettigrew, and has shown interest in Ginny, who is in turn parallel to Lily, we think that Pettigrew was attracted to Lily.

Voldemort, knowing that Pettigrew had lusted for Lily, and had had his heart broken when James married her, got Pettigrew to unleash his hidden wrath towards James by betraying James and Harry’s whereabouts to Voldemort.

We know that Voldemort did not have any interest in murdering Lily until she got in the way of him killing Harry. He even told her, “Stand aside, silly girl!” Therefore, we know that he, being the heir of Slytherin, was only after the heirs of Gryffindor – James and Harry – and not Lily, who was just Lily.

So that is our theory as to why Voldemort wanted to murder Harry and James Potter.

teehee, gigglegiggle. bahahahahahahaa.

WE ARE BLOODY BRILLIANT!!!!!!

KTODSPAF,

<3Hayley

August 5, 2003

This was the best night of my life.

August 3, 2004

6 Girls
+ 7 Boys
+ 10,000 Marshmallows
+ 10 Sidewalk Chalks
+ 2 Cars
+ 1 Policeman
+ 1 Creepy Whisper
+ Midnight
__________________
One Crazy, Crazy Night

November 1, 2005

My new goal is to try and blog more like Meg Cabot, who somehow always has enough to say that it takes her a lot of words.

Sometimes, I am very daunted by words. I’m always afraid that somehow, I will run out of them, and then I won’t have anything to do with my life. I go to the library or a bookstore, and I see all of the books there, and I think…

Holy crap.  Look how many words have been used up.

It just doesn’t seem like there are that many more combinations of them that are possible.

And whenever I read something absolutely wonderful, like the ( tropopause monologue ) of Angels in America, I think, “That combination of words is so breathtaking… and no one can ever use it again and claim it their own. There are so few breathtaking combinations of words that can be mine.”

I get paranoid about everything I write after that, because a) WHAT IF I INADVERTANTLY COPIED SOMEONE ELSE’S ENTIRE BOOK? and b) WHAT IF SOMEONE ELSE PUBLISHES MY COMBINATIONS OF WORDS BEFORE I GET THE CHANCE TO, AND THEN NO ONE WILL BELIEVE THEY’RE MINE?

Then I hate words for a few minutes, and try to get by without them. But thinking without words is difficult sometimes, and if someone comes in, communicating without words can be awkward.

It is a dilemma.

August 25, 2006

Dear Veronica Mars,

I have been watching your show far too much on YouTube. Can you teach me how to solve mysteries? I lose stuff a lot.

Sincerely,
Hayley

December 25, 2007

Best. Christmas. Ever.

The moral of the story is, if you’re two years old and you get a Barbie fork stuck so far up your nose that X-rays can’t find it (and they try to drug-test your mother because it’s 1989 and you accidentally told them it was a spoon up your nose and they assume you got the idea from watching your mother snort blow, when really it was a fork all along and your mother did no such thing!) and you eventually sneeze it out all over your poor harassed mother at dinner and it almost breaks your neck because your dad is holding your head in place; and then you refuse to talk about it for almost a week before very seriously telling your father, “I did it because there was a booger I couldn’t reach”… then you’ll laugh about it until you’re bawling eighteen years later.

Not that I ever got a fork stuck up my nose when I was two.

My Barbies still aren’t allowed to eat dinner.

December 23, 2008

I saw the Rockefeller Center tree, and watched the skaters circle round and round the golden-lit rink.

I was ignored in Gucci (again) but didn’t have to suffer through being called fat by Swedish Prada models in Bergdorf’s (although yesterday, Lily Cole called me ‘quite cool’ and asked where was ‘the queue to the wash-up’).

FAO Schwartz’ giant stuffed animals were everything I ever hoped they would be.  There was a duo of siblings in matching Fair Isles Christmas sweaters jumping around on the giant piano, and they were precious.

AT FAO SCHWARTZ YOU CAN HAVE MADE YOUR OWN CUSTOM MUPPET.  If I am ever rich, I will have my own fleet of Muppets.  That is, now that I know it is possible, the epitome of all my life’s dreams.  Fleet of custom Muppets.

I had dessert at the Plaza.  It was so beautiful it was almost scary, and there is no portrait of Eloise on the wall anymore, just a case of 2004-rerelease Eloise memorabilia for sale in the side lobby.  The waitstaff all wear tuxedos with tails and have cufflinks.  Dessert was served with literal silver spoons, despite the fact that I clearly was not born with one in my mouth.  The chocolate pot de creme with chantilly cream and chocolate streusel was divine, and it was free, because a middle-aged Armenian man who was too mild-mannered to Richard-Gere-in-Pretty-Woman himself out more than to order us French fries surreptitiously, which he sent back when we didn’t want them, paid for it.

I used the strategy I learned for such occasions on Long Island: ”Thank you,” and leave immediately.

The lights on the ironwork were almost enough to make me wish I were rich enough or self-deprecating enough to stay at the Plaza for Christmas, though.

And if I did, I would completely pour a pitcher of water down the mail chute.

March 23, 2009
http://hayleyanneperkins.com/blog/?p=3

I’ve been trying to think of an appropriate way to christen my new blog as Hayley Anne Perkins, but my ideas always seem to fall short, at least in my own mind.  I’m very conscious of the implications of blogging to an audience that comprises more than just your best friends and your mom… I’m vaguely terrified of saying, or rather typing, just the wrong thing in just the wrong way and coming across as a terrible person.  Or at least as a person with an overinflated sense of self-importance, which is just as bad in a blogger.

So to break the ice: my ode to NYC Teen Author Festival 2009.

To preface this extremely bizarre gobbledygook — NYCTAF09 (I’m lazy and enjoy acronyms) was awesome.   I had an amazing time meeting all of the authors and several readers, and everyone was really nice and extraordinarily “chill” for it being an autograph signing… given my boy band expertise, I’m used to autograph signings involving at least three fainters and a tablejumper.  I was glad to see that everyone was patient and open to conversing with everyone else in line as they waited, and it was a treat to see the way that the writers complemented (and complimented!) each other.

While most people at the event today brought or bought stacks of books by their favorite writers, I brought the ultimate book: the Dictionary.

I asked every author to sign over their favorite word, and I promised to take the collection of Best Words and write a little mishmash of a piece.  Elise Broach said that I should try to get them all in order, and I seriously considered it until I started trying to decipher the autographs, and I realized that I was forgetting the order already.  Sigh.

The form was promised to Judy Blundell for her choice — “poem” — and the tone to Heather Duffy-Stone… “lusty”.  Unfortunately for all parties involved, poetry is the second-furthest thing from being my forte (with Math beating it easily).  Anyone I’ve ever dated can attest.  Therefore, given that this is not only a poem, but a poem using nonsense words, I hope no one takes it TOO seriously as a test of my writing ability!  Unless you love it, in which case, this is totally how I write…

You couldn’t see it, but my eyes got very shifty at that last sentence.

And I have to say, David Levithan saying that he was excited to read the finished endeavor pretty much killed me.  So here goes.

Ned Vizzini Stole My Pen
A Lusty Poem

Twin popes –
one pulchritudinous, the other feculant
in appearance –
both indefatigable in their vast perversity,
though incredulous of the idealism of the other:
one a bonvivant in deep meditation on generosity and grace,
the other in love with his epiphany on ecstasy,
sneaked into the basement of the church
ignoring the musical comedy rehearsal
upstairs.

One facetiously donned a crash
the other merely a lush apron
as they prepared to bake treats
for their family reunion
beneath the moon.

There could be no peace between these two brothers.
Discussion broke down in their unctuous disregard for each other
like a luffing sailboat’s disregard for the wind
when fighting its way through a sluice
(in simile, not metaphor);
Something was always wrong.

As delicious purple rhubarb dumplings
vied for space amongst the donuts
an ephemeral smoke began to rise:
almost magical in its majesty
And the brothers watched,
thunderstruck.

As they watched in wonder,
the metal of the pots against the stove –
fulminate metals –
began to coruscate,
shooting sparks into the air.

The pastries were ruined.
The brothers found between them a new sublimity:
they no longer had to bring dessert to the reunion
thanks to a force majeure.

LOVE – Nora Baskin
PURPLE - Jessica Blank
POEM - Judy Blundell
MEDITATION – Coe Booth
ECSTASY - Elise Broach
PEACE - Susane Colasanti
EPIPHANY (BUT NOT IN A RELIGIOUS SENSE)* – Sarah Darer-Littman
GRACE (NOT CHRISTIAN GRACE)* – Matt de la Pena
LUST – Heather Duffy-Stone
GENEROSITY – Gayle Forman
LUSH – Aimee Friedman
UNCTUOUS – Madeleine George
POPE – Maureen Johnson
TWIN – Kristen Kemp
PULCHRITUDINOUS – Justine Larbalestier
WONDER – David Levithan
DUMPLING – E. Lockhart
CORUSCATE – Barry Lyga
FAMILY – Carolyn Mackler
RHUBARB – Sarah MacLean
SUBLIME – Megan McCafferty
DELICIOUS - Lauren McLaughlin
LUSH - Neesha Meminger
SOMETHING (BECAUSE “SOMETHING IS GOOD”) – Billy Merrell
CRASH – Blake Nelson
BONVIVANT – Micol Ostow
INCREDULOUS - David Ozanich
EPHEMERAL (BUT ONLY FOR TODAY) – Matthue Roth
FORCE MAJEURE - Marie Rutkoski
SNEAK – Lisa Ann Sandell
FACETIOUS (BUT FOR REAL) – Courtney Sheinmel
DONUT (NOT DOUGHNUT) – Brian Sloan
IDEALISM - Jennifer Smith
PERVERSITY – Rachel Vail
INCREDULOUS – David Van Etten
LUFF – Ned Vizzini
SLUICE – Adrienne Maria Vrettos
INDEFATIGABLE - Cecily von Ziegesar
MOON - Melissa Walker
THUNDERSTRUCK - Lynn Weingarten
FECULANT - Scott Westerfeld
VAST - Suzanne Weyn
MUSICAL COMEDY - Maryrose Wood
METAPHOR – Lizabeth Zindel

FULMINATE” and “MAGICAL,” I am so sorry, but I can’t read your autographs or remember who wrote them… if it was you, please reclaim your Favorite Word in a comment!

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December 30, 2009

Countdowns of 2009: Books

Clearly, I did not write one-a-day, but it just seemed too many categories.

One a day until it’s time to party like it’s ten years ago!

Bests in Books of 2009

The full list of my recommended reads (to date) is here, but these are my choice books of 2009 — some new releases, some new discoveries, and some that reminded me of their brilliance this year!

James Bond, 007: Dr. No

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December 21, 2009

Countdowns of 2009: Television

This Wednesday’s #YALitChat on Twitter had the theme “Bests of 2009 in YA: Books, Music, Movies, TV, Anything!”

I’ve been thinking ever since.

So, to finish out 2009, here are my own lists of The Bests of 2009, one a day until it’s time to party like it’s ten years ago.

Bests in Television of 2009

I watch a lot of television.

There were several ways that I debated writing my countdown — best new shows, best overall shows, best characters, best moments.  So rather than trying to choose only one, this list is less of a countdown than… an awards show, with lots of categories, pretty dresses, and shiny gold men.

Best New TV Show

Glee

Glee

This should not surprise anyone.  Just as it was for me in high school, my love for show choir dramedy is a compulsion. Time seems to be measured this fall in minutes until Glee, and moments watching Glee.

Runner Up: The Vampire Diaries

Best New Season of a Returning Show

Castle

Castle

Any comedic crime drama about a novelist cannot be bad.

That is a statement just itching to be proven wrong, but until it is, Castle is king.  There is no sophomore slump for this show, and I’ve loved seeing more of Alexis (Castle’s sage teenage daughter) and banter between secondary characters Ryan and Esposito.  Castle is one of the few “cult appeal” shows that I think the second season surpasses the first in quality, and I’m eagerly looking forward for more.

One particular highlight was that the victim in the episode “Vampire Weekend” was clearly cast to resemble Robert Pattinson-as-Edward Cullen, and it amused me.

Runner Up: Bones

Biggest Shark Jumping Escapade

Heroes

Heroes

Heroes has been moving downwind for a long time.  I, personally, liked the second season.  I liked West.  I liked Claire/West.  I liked Molly, and I still liked Mohinder.  I thought that Monique’s power was awesome and that Micah was continuously the most fascinating character on the show.  I loved Elle, Season Two Sylar, and GabriElle.  I did not like Maya and Alejandro.

So of course, Molly is gone, West is gone,  Micah is gone, Monique is gone, Elle is very very dead, and Maya has stuck around as persistently as the virus that seeps from her eyes.

And instead they give us a really creepy carnival… because who doesn’t love a good death-filled scuzzy carnival?… and some sort of plotline about Parkman and Sylar being each other?  I can’t even follow that.  Nor can I get behind it as a viewer.

And suddenly, because she is in college, and hot, Claire is a lesbian.

I am totally OK with Claire being a lesbian.  I am not OK with how the show has handled that particular storyline, and I think that the ways it is shown are total cop-outs to try to regain male viewership.

Lame.

Runner Up: Criminal Minds

Best Bounce Back from Possible Shark Jumping

Bones

Bones

I have been nervous about Bones‘ eventual decline ever since the supreme awesomeness of season three’s Gormogon story arc concluded, because… well how could they beat that?

They haven’t beaten it, nor have they approached its level of intrigue, but Bones has been consistently excellent through the last two seasons, and seems to really be hitting its stride in the development of the whole slew of new characters introduced in season four.

Mister Nigel Murray makes my heart sing.  Daisy doesn’t make me want to punch her in the face anymore.  I do not like Wendell, but it’s because I actually dislike him as a character and not because he’s an unlikably written character.

It took a whole season, but Bones has its mojo back.

Runner Up: CSI: New York

Best Overall Episode

"Preggers," Glee

“Preggers,” Glee

Again, no surprise.

Runner Up: “Stress Relief,” The Office

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December 19, 2009

Countdowns of 2009: Movies

This Wednesday’s #YALitChat on Twitter had the theme “Bests of 2009 in YA: Books, Music, Movies, TV, Anything!”

I’ve been thinking ever since.

So, to finish out 2009, here are my own lists of The Bests of 2009, one a day until it’s time to party like it’s ten years ago.

Best New Movies of 2009

Here’s the thing about movies and me: I don’t see a whole lot of them, and they pretty much stick to a small range of themes/actors/aesthetics/plotlines.  I’m splitting this list in two parts — Movies of 20o9 That I Saw And Liked, and Movies of 2009 That I Will See and Will Like.

Movies of 2009 That I Saw and Liked

Saw in theaters November, Illinois
Saw in theaters November, Illinois

The Boat That Rocked (Pirate Radio)
DIR.
Richard Curtis
CAST
Philip Seymour Hoffman    …     The Count
Tom Sturridge    …     Carl
Bill Nighy    …     Quentin
Will Adamsdale    …     News John
Tom Brooke    …     Thick Kevin
Rhys Darby    …     Angus
Nick Frost    …     Dave
Katherine Parkinson    …     Felicity
Chris O’Dowd    …     Simon
Ike Hamilton    …     Harold
Kenneth Branagh    …     Sir Alistair Dormandy
Tom Wisdom    …     Mark
Jack Davenport    …     Twatt
Ralph Brown    …     Bob
Rhys Ifans    …     Gavin
Talulah Riley    …     Marianne
January Jones    …     Elenore
Emma Thompson    …     Charlotte

I doubt I need to reiterate my love for this movie again.  Just look at the cast list if you don’t believe my faith in its grooviness.

Saw in April, NYC
Saw in April, NYC

How To Be

DIR. Oliver Irving
CAST
Robert Pattinson     …     Art
Powell Jones    …     Dr. Ellington
Mike Pearce    …     Nikki
Johnny White    …     Ronny

The best part of this movie is Ronny, played by Johnny White.  Ronny is the agoraphobic, nitrous oxide addicted best friend of the movie’s protagonist, and many of the film’s more humorous moments take place in Ronny’s flat.  Ronny enjoys spying on the deli across the street with his binoculars because “the delicatesseries look quite delicious.”

When I saw the film, the cast (minus Pattinson) did a Q&A after the showing and Johnny White stuttered a lot, which made me love Ronny even more.

Then the subway ticketing machine ate my $104 at 3:30 AM (after the midnight showing) and I felt very much like the poster for this film was the poster for my life, which is pretty much the point of the whole movie if you’re in your twenties and want to have some sort of independent, creative profession.

Saw in August, Illinois
Saw in August, Illinois

Taking Woodstock
DIR.
Ang Lee
CAST
Demetri Martin     …     Elliot Tiber
Emile Hirsch    …     Billy
Paul Dano    …     VW Guy
Kelli Garner    …     VW Girl
Henry Goodman     …     Jake Teichberg
Imelda Staunton    …     Sonia Teichberg
Eugene Levy    …     Max Yasgur
Jonathan Groff     …     Michael Lang

This movie was completely different than I expected it would be — I was picturing something more like Across the Universe (2007), lush and full of music and colors.  Instead, this movie is… almost depressing.  It does a really good job of showing the ’60s counterculture as a dirty, hungry, damaged phenomenon as much as it is one of beauty and ideas, and I’ve never seen another film that balances the two sides quite so well.

Demetri Martin is also completely adorable, and Jonathan Groff is absolutely transcendent; he was my favorite part of the movie.

However, I never needed to see the parts of Emile Hirsch that belong inside his pants.  Never.

Saw in May, NYC
Saw in May, NYC

Little Ashes (Sin Limites)

DIR. Paul Morrison
CAST
Javier Beltrán     …     Federico García Lorca
Robert Pattinson    …     Salvador Dalí
Matthew McNulty    …     Luis Buñuel
Marina Gatell    …     Magdalena

I’m very fascinated by Spain in the period between WWI and the Spanish Civil War, and Federico García Lorca is one of my favorite poets.

However, I won’t pretend like Pattinson’s crazy mustache wasn’t a major draw in my interest in this film.

It’s just so curly!

While it’s clear that this is a lower-budget indie film, and not all of the acting is impeccable, I really enjoyed this movie and found it emotionally wrenching, particularly the ending.

Any movie about Lorca cannot end happily, and even though you know what’s coming, Little Ashes succeeds in making it shocking and disturbing and painful anyway.  Javier Beltrán does a beautiful job playing the tragic poet.

I got unbelievably lost trying to find the theatre for this movie in NoLIta, and then all of the trailers were actually commercials for really weird, bohemian things like German hybrid cars and oil paints and stuff.

Saw in July, Illinois
Saw in July, Illinois

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
DIR.
David Yates
CAST
Daniel Radcliffe    …     Harry Potter
Rupert Grint    …     Ron Weasley
Emma Watson    …     Hermione Granger
Jim Broadbent    …     Professor Horace Slughorn
Michael Gambon    …     Professor Albus Dumbledore
Bonnie Wright    …     Ginny Weasley
Tom Felton      …     Draco Malfoy

This is the first Harry Potter movie that I actually liked, and it’s the first one that everyone else I know hates.

Yes, they cut out huge portions of the book.

Yes, they alluded to the actual canon ships (Harry/Hermione shippers, get out! To paraphrase JK Rowling: “Harry and Hermione? Eurgh!”).

But I personally choose to believe, until I am almost inevitably proven wrong, that the cut portions from HBP will be added to the first of two Deathly Hallows films so that the audience has Voldemort’s backstory fresh in their mind as the story goes forward, and I think that the pacing of HBP was great the way it was.

Plus, the shot of Narcissa and Bellatrix at Spinner’s End was absolutely perfect.  It was exactly as I always pictured it.

However, I am not OK with the minimization of Harry/Ginny’s kiss.  THAT WAS NOT SEVERAL SUNLIT DAYS, that was a few musty nanoseconds!

Movies of 2009 That I Will See and Will Like

Nowhere Boy, Sam Taylor Wood The Princess and the Frog, Disney Productions Angels & Demons, Ron Howard Adventureland, Greg Mottola Julie & Julia, Nora Ephron Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, Phil Lord & Chris Miller Whip It, Drew Barrymore Sherlock Holmes, Guy Ritchie

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December 11, 2009

A Christmas Story

For Halloween, I posted a “scary story” that I wrote at age eleven and lovely commenter Jacee left this request:

I guess it’s just that your writing has always been so You, regardless of how much it has improved.

Anyway, loved this little ‘blast from Hayley’s past.’ (How about a feature? *Waggles eyebrows.*)

Comment by Jacee — October 29, 2009 @ 1:18 pm

Rummaging through one of my old backup CDs today, I found something worthy of her request (and fittingly embarrassing for a nostalgic holiday like Christmas) — my seventh-grade retelling of The Nutcracker.  For some reason, only half the file survived and the other is in unintelligible dings, but here you go.  In seventh grade, I was in the midst of writing “my first novel” and felt like a Very Serious Writer, so that may excuse that this story is very little more than a long list of Things That Are Pretty In Ballet And At Christmastime.

But, probably not.

Just please remember: I wrote this at twelve.  Forgive me.  And have a very happy holiday season.  I know I’ll be decorating my Christmas tree and eating cookies this afternoon!

Clara and her Nutcracker Prince

Once upon a time, on Christmas Eve, in a grand, large house in Nuremberg, Germany, a girl about nine years old, wearing a fine, rich party dress of pale blue velvet, the sash about her waist dotted with gay blue sprays of flowers, stood on tiptoe at the picture window, watching the snow swirl over the path that led up to the door.

“Move aside! I want to see,” complained her brother, younger then she – six years old – his plum breeches and jacket dusted with confectioners’ sugar from stolen crescent cookies, as he pushed her away.

“Fritz, there’s room enough for the both of us if we each take a side and not the center,” said the girl, exasperated, brushing crumbs off her dress where Fritz had pushed her.  Just then, the two children, fighting for a better view then the other, saw four candles bobbing up the walk in the darkening December sky, glittering with stars.

“They’re here!  The Clausses are here!” shouted the girl, her flaxen curls whipping over her shoulder as she turned and ran to the door.  Fritz scrambled after her, his short, stumpy legs racing, but still, she beat him to it.  She flung the heavy oak door with an evergreen wreath, ornamented with red bows, gold beads, and alight with tiny white candles, open; washing the visitors with welcoming, rosy light.

“Merry Christmas!  Please come inside!” she said, her blue-green eyes shining like gems.

“Thank you Clara!  Don’t you look nice?  May we go into the parlor?” said Frauline Clauss, setting her plump two-year-old, Merisha, down on the floor on her plump, sturdy legs, and removed her scarlet-red cloak.  Merisha, her dark, fine curls dusted with gentle snowflakes, toddled heavily up to Clara and held up her butter-colored linen dress, dripping with pure white lace, up so high it revealed her pantaloons, the color of fresh snow, up to see.

“Yook, Cyara, yook!  My dwess is pwetty!  I’m a big guwl, at a pawty!”  Exclaimed Merisha, mispronouncing, as she always did, her Rs and Ls.

“Oh, yes Merry-berry, you are so big!  You must be a big girl, to be at such a grown-up party!  Mother and Father will bring Marie out in a minute, for you to play with.  Would you like that?”  Clara asked, catching the eye of the oldest Clauss girl, Teresa, her best friend, who gave her a small wink and a slight smile.  Merisha smiled and nodded, then stuck her index finger in her mouth, and chewed on it thoughtfully.

“Wiew Mawie have a pwetty dwess too?”  She asked suspiciously.

“Well, yes, of course,” answered Clara and Teresa at the same time.  Teresa had come up and was standing beside Clara, the hood of her deep crimson cloak pushed back on her neck, revealing her dark, shiny hair and enormous pale turquoise bow.

“Wiew Mawie’s dwess be pwettiew then mine?” asked Merisha nervously, eyeing her dress with sudden distrust.  Teresa knelt and gently took her sister’s finger out of her mouth and held her hands.

“Merry-berry, do you know what?” she asked, her eyes on Merisha’s.  Merisha shook her head.  “Your dress is very pretty, and nothing will change that.  Even if Marie’s dress is pink, yours will still be very pretty.”   Teresa stood up again and Merisha smiled.  Meanwhile, Fritz and Teresa’s younger brother, Johann, had paired up and were running and whooping, up and down the hallways of the foyer.

“Johann kept sneaking taffies and got his suit all sticky,” whispered Teresa to Clara as she removed her cloak and handed it to Apia, the maid.  Teresa’s dress was a pale turquoise; with a smocked bust and edelweiss patterned white lace edging the bottom, square cut neck, and balloon sleeves.  Johann was wearing a little sailor suit, the color of the evergreen trees that guarded the house on both sides of the front walk, the trimmings as red as the winter berries the birds ate off the bushes.

Then, countless more numbers of guests arrived– the Rievangentds, all dresses in white like a flock of angels, the Gustavs, who had a tiny baby, in a long white lace gown and cap, whom everyone admired, the Jaques, immigrants from France several years ago, who were always right in with the fashions and the daughter, Clarice, had lovely auburn hair, which Clara envied.  Then, at the door stood a frightening old man, his gray hair frizzy and wild, a black silk patch over one eye, the other eye gray and hard as steel.

He wore a long, black cape and a black suit with a red tie.  He leaned heavily on a black onyx cane with a tarnished silver owl head at the top.  Behind him stood a boy, Clara’s age, with well-combed wavy black hair and eyes that seemed sapphires implanted in his face.   He carried gifts of all sizes, wrapped in gay, shining papers and with ribbons more enormous then Teresa’s hair bow.

Promptly Merisha, Marie, and all the other small children began to whimper at the man’s odd and slightly mangled appearance. The boys brandished toy swords and cap guns, ready to attack the enemy. The older girls all gasped and threw their arms around each other in fright. But Clara ran up to the old man and threw her arms around his neck.

“Godfather Drosselmeyer!” she cried in delight.

“Clara, you look marvelous!” he said, twirling her around in the air.

Clara’s eyes drifted away from her loving Godfather’s face to the boy. She smiled shyly, then looked away and blushed.

“Clara, this is my new assistant, Michel,” said Herr Drosselmeyer as he gestured toward the boy.

“What happened to Pyotr?”

“Pyotr?”

“Yes. He was your assistant last year. The one who replaced Freindle.”

“Oh, oh, yes. Pyotr,” he made a sound of disgust, “Pyotr told many of the village boys and girls I was a wizard, and they kept bringing me sisters, brothers, enemies, all wanting me to turn them to toads. Or rats. Snakes, lizards, pigs.”

“Oh.” Clara was a little surprised that anyone would think that her dear, dear Herr Drosselmeyer was an evil wizard. Just then, Apia and her other maids Heidi, Jenica, and Florentine opened the white doors to the parlor and the women, on the arms of the men, walked inside, their full skirts brushing the doorframe.

Then, the children rushed in the door and then stopped abruptly in awe of the giant Christmas tree. The huge evergreen, full and fat, fragrant and proud, stood towering almost to the ceiling. It glittered with tiny blown glass animals, golden beads, silver stars, small white birds made of feathers dipped in glue, reflecting in the light made by hundreds, it seemed, of tiny white candles in golden lace-paper holders. Under the tree, presents wrapped in shining foils, colored papers, and large, glistening ribbons were piled high.

On the long, well-polished cherry wood buffet table next to the redbrick fireplace, large roast chickens, surrounded by bread stuffing, potatoes, celery and herbs were next to fragrant hams, shining with glaze and filled with soft, hot apples. All around them sat quivering jellies, green, red, and white, and bowls filled to bursting with roasted and parmentier potatoes, thick, creamy soups, dotted with herbs. There were oblong dishes full of green beans with butter or asparagus hollandaise.  There were soft white rolls, slices of hard dark brown bread, and bread made from rice.

There was a large wreath of fragrant evergreen bough over the fireplace mantle, under which a warm and welcoming fire burned, fed with colorful wax-dipped pine cones which Clara and Teresa had made one crisp afternoon in October, when they were just starting to run out of last year’s.  On the mantle stood small elf statues, made of porcelain and china, painted with the colors of cardinal, grass, poppies, lemon drops, sugarplums, and the ocean.   There was a small rented orchestra, from which floated sweet strains of gay Christmas music.    Clarice, her auburn hair combed until it shone like ice, wearing an ivy colored velvet dress with balloon sleeves and red lace edging the neck, sleeves, and hem, was looking at the shining silver flutes, deep-polished violin, viola, and cello.

Clara listened blissfully to the clarinet and oboe’s pungent strains.   The adults were whirling gaily in a waltz, the women’s skirts swirling and the scent of sweet perfumes filling the air as they passed.   Frauline Silberhaus (Clara’s mother), was greeting her guests as graciously as one could hope, even though Marie, in a pale lavender linen dress with a smocked bodice, was pulling at her skirt.   Clara, Teresa, Clarice, Floria Rievangentd and Opal Gustav, watched their mothers swirl and dip on the arms of their fathers.  They also had a small quarrel, over whose mother was the finest.   Frauline Silberhaus, in a bright lilac velvet dress with leg o’ mutton sleeves and a high neck, all studded with seed pearls, was indeed beautiful.   Like a sugar plum, Clara thought, as her parents whirled past and the scent of her mother’s perfume, Lily of the Valley, lingered behind to tickle her nose.

Then, the cook, Lies, and Apia, the maid, called to everyone that they could sit at the long, shining table covered with a snowy lace tablecloth.   The children all sat at one end of the table, the adults at the other.  Clara was sandwiched between  Michel and Teresa.   As she ate her chicken and potatoes, ham and apples, and white roll spread thickly with sweet, creamy butter, she couldn’t help but glance over at Michel once in a while.  Teresa noticed this and bit her lip to keep from giggling, but kicked Clara’s ankle gently under the table.  As she sipped her creamy rice soup, with bits of potato, beef, and small slivers of beans, she glanced once again and caught his eye.  She blushed and didn’t look over again.  Teresa’s giggling didn’t make her feel any better.

Clara was absolutely stuffed, but even so, she managed to eat a slice of creamy apple chiffon pie, with a swirl of sweet whipped cream, and vanilla ice cream.

After supper, the adults all sat and talked of the news of the town, and the children played a game of Needle-in-a-Haystack.  Then, seeing that the children were restless and the adults were quieted, Herr Drosselmeyer gestured to Michel and nodded.  Michell left the room into the hall, and pulling it by a rope, brought in an enormous present, wrapped in lilac and blush colored foil, with a blush bow at the top.  The children all rushed towards the box, and the adults leaned forward in their seats.

“Children!  Sit in a circle around the box.  Let the littlest ones up front, so they can see.  That’s much better…tallest to the back.  Good!” Herr Drosselmeyer instructed.  Once the arrangement pleased him, he untied the hug ribbon and the walls of the box collapsed and disappeared, revealing three life-sized dolls.  One, a ballerina, standing on her toes.  The second, a soldier, sword in hand.  Last, a mouse, with a crown on it’s head and a regal robe on his shoulders.

The ballerina had red-gold hair in sausage curled pigtails, tied with very large white bows, printed with Christmas trees and cardinals.   She had very pale, creamy white skin with red circles painted on her cheeks.   She had lifelike blue eyes, which looked almost as though they could laugh and cry like the childrens’ own.  She was wearing a stiff skirt made of white net tulle with white, green, and red satin drapes.  Her bodice was white satin and closely enveloped her stiff body.  She wore green stockings and red satin shoes with ribbons around her ankles, and she stood on the tips of her toes.  Her pale, stiff arms were parallel to the ground, with her elbows bent so her hands faced towards the sky.

The soldier had painted cheeks like the ballerina’s, but he wore a bright red and blue soldier’s uniform with silver medals and trimmings.  He stood at attention, with sword in hand.  The mouse was covered in gray plush, and had a regal golden crown on his head and purple-blue gold trimmed robe over is shoulders, clasped at the front with a ruby brooch.

When Herr Drosselmeyer clapped his hands, the ballerina sprung to life.  She danced backward, moving her legs up and down, touching her toes to her knee, while alternating legs.  She did quick, perfect turns, and high, quiet jumps.   Then, she landed from a perfect jump with ten leg-beats, and stood in quiet, serene stillness.  Drosselmeyer clapped again, and the soldier began to march.  Then he went into perfect, high militarious jumps and turns, intertwined with military marches and salutes. Then, the mouse began to dance.

He moved fluidly and silently, in a way that sent shivers up and down Clara’s spine.  Then, they fell silent, and the children stood up and screamed cheers until they were hoarse.

All the children, that is, except Fritz.  He sat there, on the floor, and frowned.  He thought the dolls were dumb, especially the soldier. That wasn’t how REAL soldiers marched and fought.  He stood up and whispered something to Johann, who nodded and whispered something to Pierre (Clarice’s younger brother), who whispered something to Tomas Gustav, who whispered it to Sebastien Rievangentd.  Then, they all sat down and, stony faced began to complain and boo and hiss the dolls.  Then, Fritz stood up and said, “That thing,” he pointed disgustedly to the soldier doll, “is a disgrace to all of Germany’s army.  And every other countries’ too.  We,” he gestured towards his friends, “will now show you how real soldiers march and fight.”

All the boys stood up, pulled out their dull silver swords and cap guns, and began to march in a straight formation, led by General Fritz Silberhaus.  Then, they stopped, turned to face the dolls, and at Fritz’s call of “CHARGE!,” they lunged at the dolls, poking with their sword and shooting their cap guns.  The girls screamed and cried and threw themselves over the dolls, being constantly poked by dull metal and hit by the corks of cap guns.

Then, Drosselmeyer, eyes practically on fire, swooped down in front of the boys and shooed them away.  The ladies rushed to the aid of their sobbing daughters and, in a cloud of perfume, pulled them up.  None of them were really badly hurt, Teresa had a darkening bruise on her upper left cheekbone where Johann had smacked her with the barrel of his cap gun, Clarice had a small red mark on her neck where she had been shot with a cap gun, and Clara had a long, shallow cut on her face where Fritz had cut her with his sword.  Floria and Opal had long, wide bruises on their legs where their brothers had kicked them.  All of the girls had rumpled dresses and tangled hair, and they all fell against heir mothers, sobbing.  The boys were being scolded by their fathers and were sent out to the hall, with Apia to watch them, for ten minutes.  The girls calmed down and were sitting playing with their dolls, some floppy rag dolls, some expensive china dolls, imported from places like Austria, America, or the Oriental Empire.

Clara’s doll was a china doll with a stuffed cloth body, pale white skin, shiny, curled brown hair tied with a violet silk ribbon, and wearing a violet silk dress, white apron, white stockings, and violet ankle-boots.  Her name was Meg March, and she was from America, a character in a story called Little Women.  Then, Clara’s doll brushed the cut on her face, and Clara cried out, softly and sharply, in pain.  Herr Drosselmeyer, doctor as he was, reached into his bag and put a slimy balm on her cut.  It stung and burned for a moment, then her pain subsided, her cheek numb.

Then, just as the boys were being allowed back in, Herr Drosselmeyer handed Clara a package wrapped in bright, shining blue paper, with a yellow ribbon.  She eagerly untied the ribbon and threw the lid off the box, then flung the sheets of thin, translucent tissue paper away from the gift inside.  Then, she pulled out a strange wooden doll, with a very large wooden jaw.  He had a painted soldier’s outfit with silver and gold painted metallic medals.  His arms moved up and down from the shoulders, his legs bent at the knees so he could march.  It’s a nutcracker! Thought Clara with delight.  She had seen the cheerful, smiling dolls in the frosted window of Schuelebenn’s Confectionery every year around this time, starting around Saturnalia and taken out around the New Year, and she had always wanted one.  She had never asked, but Herr Drosselmeyer knew everything, even the unspoken.  She hugged the Nutcracker, and danced around the festive, fanciful hall, showing him to all the guests.

“Oh, Godfather Drosselmeyer, thank you!” she cried, holding the nutcracker out to one side as she threw herself at her godfather, so as not to crush the nutcracker (or hurt her godfather, who was quite elderly).  But, as she did, her grip loosened, and Fritz lunged.  He grabbed the nutcracker, and holding it high over his head, began to spin violently, so the nutcracker flew out of his hands, purposely mind you, and smashed against the hard wood floor with a nauseating crunch.  Clara shrieked and sprinted towards her injured soldier, and as Fritz was about to jump on his head, she shoved him out of the way and fell to her knees, sobbing.  She scooped up her beloved nutcracker, the right side of his jaw completely cracked off.  Teresa, Clarice, Floria, and Opal ran to Clara and collapsed around her, crooning sympathetic words and offering her their small, lean purses with only a few marks each to her so she could buy a new one.  But Clara was inconsolable, sobbing and shaking, her eyes buried in the nutcracker’s soft fuzzy “hair”.

Michel and Drosselmeyer ran to Clara and shooed the girls away. Michel pulled a clean, white handkerchief out of the pocket of his navy blue velvet suit-coat, and handed it to Drosselmeyer, who bandaged the Nutcracker’s jaw.

“I’ll fix it in the morning Clara. You won’t be able to tell he was ever injured,” Drosselmeyer said, glancing out of the corner of his eye to see Fritz being pulled out of the room by his ear. Michel, who had disappeared, returned pushing a doll’s bed, brass, with curlicues and carved stars, and the soft, cushiony mattress covered by a lace coverlet, into the room. He stopped beside Clara and gently took the nutcracker away. She held firm for a moment; she was not going to let any boy touch him ever again! – Then, reluctantly, she let Michel take him and lay him in the bed, covered by the lacy doily. Then, Drosselmeyer helped Clara up; she was a little weak from crying, and said-

“Never mind the Nutcracker. He is a soldier, of course, and will be fine. Have a good time, the party will be over soon and I don’t want you to have a ruined Christmas night!” he looked at the orchestra and said, “Jingle Bells.” And the orchestra began to play. The children, two by two, began to promenade. Although all the girls wished it, Clara was chosen by Michel, and they led the small troupe of dancer around and around the hall, laughing. Teresa, who was dancing with Sebastien, winked at Clara and laughed and Clara stuck out her tongue at her best friend. Teresa looked hurt for a moment, then began to laugh. Although no one else knew why they were laughing, they began to laugh to, and the peals of laughter soon overpowered the music. Madame Jaques, who was wearing a blush-rose velvet dress with an ivory brocade shawl, looked at Michel and Clara, and turned to Frauline Silberhaus.

“I think your daughter is a little in love,” she said, in her heavily accented, but musical and fluid German.

Frauline Silberhaus looked at Madame Jaques and said, “No, that’s absurd,” and she laughed, but the laugh was tense, because when she looked into Clara’s eyes, she knew it was so. The large Grandfather clock, a gift from Drosselmeyer after an expedition to Scotland, chimed ten, and the party was over.

The Gustavs were first to leave, the baby, Angelinne, had to be put to bed. And as Opal donned her periwinkle cape, trimmed with pure white polar bear fur and embroidered with silver snowflakes, and her white gloves, which were a present from Clara she had received tonight, looked at Clara, standing guard over the tiny doll’s bed with Michel at her side, and shook her head. She didn’t understand that girl. The Rievangentds left soon afterward, and Floria, who was green with envy because she had not been chosen by Michel, did not even look again at Clara, as she tied the hood of her red cloak over her black curls and pale orange dress.

The Jaques left a few minutes later, after Clarice had kissed Clara’s cheek and told her what a nice party it was, and, as they walked out the door, Madame Jaques gave Frauline Silberhause an “I told you so” look. The Clausses left last, and as Teresa walked past Clara, she whispered “Luck is with you tonight!” in her ear softly, and Clara felt her ears darken scarlet. Drosselmeyer had already packed the dolls into his shiny black Renault automobile, and called to Michel. Michel turned to Clara and softly said, “It was a lovely party,” then he shook her hand. Clara found she could not let go, it was as if one of Drosselmeyer’s “hand in the cookie jar” spells had been placed on her. She looked square into Michel’s eyes and heard her mother, somewhere distant, far away, calling “Clara, Clara! It’s time for bed! You must let them go, it is hard and dangerous to drive at night!” and she thought maybe she heard Drosselmeyer calling Michel, but she wasn’t sure, she was far away, in a cloud, not in Germany, not on Earth, but somewhere far, far away, flying farther and farther away. Her mother came towards her and placed a hand on her shoulder, and was gently pulling her away, back to Earth. Drosselmeyer was doing the same to Michel, but the children refused to release hands. But Drosselmeyer pried their fingers apart and pulled Michel away, towards the door.

Later, as Clara was undressing and putting her nightgown on, she kept thinking about her nutcracker, alone and unprotected, downstairs in the dark. As she untied her sash, she saw Fritz grab the doll. She slipped the dress over her head and saw the nutcracker fly through the air. She stepped out of her stockings and saw it smash…. and smash….and smash again. She threw her nightgown over her head and, a blur of white lace, flew down the stairs wearing nothing but her nightgown and dressing shoes. She ran down the stairs for a long time, it seemed to her, forever. She ran down and down and down but never moved, she passed the same glittering chandelier, which reflected rainbows on the white and blue fleur-de-lis wallpaper although no light was hitting it.

She finally reached the hall where the tiny bed lay, overpowered completely by the enormous Christmas tree. She had to stumbled over to the Christmas tree, which had only two small candles, burned nearly to nothing, left lit. She grabbed one so she could se where she was going, and sat down beneath the tree beside her injured soldier’s tiny bed. She intended to carry him upstairs to her room so she wouldn’t have to worry about him there, all alone, but it was so late (the grandfather clock had just struck twelve midnight), and the tree was so dazzling, she couldn’t help but fall asleep.

Later, she awoke when she heard a strange skittering across the hard wooden floor, and a squeak.  She opened her eyes looked around in disbelief.  She saw the toys, cookies, and the tree, but they seemed ten times too large. Have they all grown up… or have I grown down? She wondered, stupefied.  Then, an enormous mouse, with seven heads, each wearing a numbered golden grown with a single ruby on each, and a sapphire on the largest, the one for his main head.  He had a large army of mice behind him and they all carried swords, and three pushed a cannon and a huge supply of ammunition…. Gum drops? And the toys were all alive, the cookies too, and they had hand grenades of jawbreakers, and bombs of powdered donuts.

Then, she saw the nutcracker, his jaw in a sling, at the head of the army of toys and cookies, and the mouse king-general yelled, “CHARGE!”  The mice rushed at the toys and cookies, and the Nutcracker’s army began to fight.  Three mice had captured Meg, who had been left downstairs in a dazed walk upstairs with mother.  Meg was… yes, she was screaming…as they tied her down to the railroad track of Fritz’s toy train.   A mouse started the train up and Clara covered her eyes, not daring to watch, but the nutcracker saved her and shooed her away to be a nurse for the injured cookie (she used frosting to re-attach broken limbs).  Fritz’s jungle-man doll and Marie’s rag doll Byurght, climbed up the tree and bombed the mouse’s army camp below, but Byurght fell – right into the mouse king’s arms, and he threw her aside and she collapsed.  Now, all the cookies were crumbled and the toy’s springs were not springing and their gears were all grinding, but the mouse king attacked once again.

Seven mice surrounded the nutcracker and the mouse king held his sword above the nutcracker’s throat and laughed an evil laugh.  Clara shrieked, “Oh, don’t you hurt my nutcracker!” and in rage, she took of her small, narrow, satin dressing shoe and aimed at the mouse king’s head.  She threw with all her might and hit him square between the eyes.  He swayed and fell down, dead.  His army, now outnumbered, ran away through the cracks in the walls in terror.  But, they didn’t get away before the nutcracker had cut off crown number seven.  Then, he placed it on Clara’s head, and then, a brilliant pink and gold light filled the dark hall, so bright that Clara had to cover her eyes with her lower arm.  But, she did look out as he golden hair swirled around her face and her nightgown whipped back in the wind.  Her nutcracker was now a handsome prince.  Why, he looks just like Michel! Thought Clara.

“Clara, first you were kind to me, and now you have saved my life!  Would you please come back to my kingdom with me and be my princess?” asked the handsome prince as he bent to kiss her hand.

“Of course!  The prince of Germany was my nutcracker?” she said, astonished.

“No! Of course not! I’m Prince Lemonpop, from the candy kingdom.  My stepmother turned me into a nutcracker two months ago, and she said I could only be a boy again if I could get a girl to love me, be the general of an army, win a battle, and retrieve the seventh crown of the evil mouse king, Jubileo.  A tall order to fill, wasn’t it?” he said, and laughed.

“Th…The CANDY kingdom?! You’re the prince of candy?” she asked, nearly yelling with delight.

“Of course!  Caramel! Pudding!” he called, and two fuzzy bumble bees with a dark brown sleigh between them appeared out of nowhere to whisk them away.

“Taste the carriage,” urged the prince with a smile.

“Taste the carriage?” Clara asked wrinkling her nose.

“Just taste it… I promise it’s good!” he said and broke a small chunk off his side of the carriage and handed it to her.  She sniffed it suspiciously and then- “It’s chocolate!” she cried in delight, and stuffed the sticky, sweet mass into her mouth and small rivers of chocolate oozed from the sides of her mouth.  As she giggled, she raised her hand to wipe her mouth only to find that her simple white nightgown had transformed into a shimmering, iridescent gown of shimmering satin and glazed lace, embedded with diamonds and silver glitter.  Then they passed into a snow-laden forest with silver trees and tiny, pearly birds. The snowflakes turned, flipped, and danced for them.

Then the snow queen, in a frosty white dress, on the arm of her frozen cavalier – “Jack Frost!” Clara cried in delight later – pointed their way to a licorice bridge over a river of vanilla seltzer. Clara dipped her hand over the side and sipped the frothy delight, then hiccuped, and the price laughed.  Then they reached the most marvelous, dreamy place Clara had ever seen.  There was the lake of seltzer, which changed flavors, the prince said, with every hour, like the river.  Currently, it too, was vanilla.  It also could be chocolate, orange, grape, strawberry, lime, raspberry, caramel, peanut butter, cola, almond, or cherry.  On this lake, marzipan frogs sat on fruit leather lily pads, catching licorice flies.  On a green buttercream field nearby, white chocolate unicorns with horns of saltwater taffy lounged by spun-sugar lambs.  Small houses of sugar wafers or graham cracker stood in a neat row on the grape fruit leather street, while tiny gummy rabbits, squirrels, and chipmunks skittered across the buttercream lawns, while a few children ice skated on a rink of pineapple gelatin.  Then, a spectacular sight- the candy castle, pink frosted sugar cookie, with melted sugar windows and marshmallow crenellation.  The whole village glistened as if dusted by sugar but then, Clara thought, it is dusted by sugar in the candy kingdom.

Then, a tall, lean palace guard with a handlebar mustache and orange hair, who was accompanied by a short, stout guard with a goatee and yellow hair, saw the prince coming, and, fumbling and bumbling, pulled out his gold cornet and blasted three quick, staccato notes: C, E, G!  Then, in the bat of an eye, all the subjects of Garshmalderer (the formal name for the candy kingdom) were lining the chocolate shaving sidewalk up to the caramel drawbridge on licorice strings over the Seltzer River.  They bowed in a perfect wave as they walked by, Clara floating on the arm of her royal prince.  Once inside the castle, the prince was taken up stairs to his room, which had been kept clean for him in high hopes of his return.

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December 5, 2009

A Quick Meditation on the Holidays

I have this memory of December years and years ago, the first night I was allowed to walk home from M’s house after dark alone: it was snowing just a little, the snowflakes small as the eye of a needle and swirling around the few streetlights on their stone poles, causing the patches of air around the lamplights to shimmer like water.

I could see my small warm white breath chugging in front of me; I was bundled in my first black peacoat and matching black beret with pink woolen gloves and black prairie boots — no cat-eye glasses yet, but the first vestiges of me having the confidence to wear what I like (though I’d never wear prairie boots now). The snow came to just below the tops of those black prairie boots, below the treads was a thin layer of ice where people had been kind enough to shovel their walks — but most people were not — and I kicked the sides of the snowdrifts, spraying icy crystals in cold arcs from my toes.

It was the first night that I had felt, in a very long time, like M was my friend and the first night that I’d ever felt like I was going to grow up, and that was OK. I hated change, I hated the idea of growing up, but that night, it seemed like perhaps — just perhaps — I would be happier grown up than as a middle school girl.

I now consider that to be the single most obvious epiphany anyone has ever had.

But I stood on the corner of her street and mine and I looked to my left, at the sight I’d begged to walk home in the dark to see: the house that always won the neighborhood award for Best Christmas Decorations, lit from foundation to rooftop in tiny sparkling gumdrops of red, amber, blue, emerald, and silver-white, each light magnified in its glimmer by the swirling snow.   Over my other shoulder, though, was the view into the front windows of the neighborhood’s haunted house — it didn’t look scary that night, through the eyelet lace curtains the family living there at the time had hung, buttery golden light pouring out onto the expanse of snow in their front lawn.

It was beautiful.

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November 29, 2009

The Wisdom of Small Children

Earlier this week, at my grandfather’s funeral, the son of my dad’s cousin sat on my great-aunt’s lap and pulled out an Etch-A-Sketch.

“I’m drawling a picture for the girl I’m gonna marry,” he said proudly.  “She has brown hair and a birthday in April, just like me.  Her name is Charlene.  That’s spelled S-H-R-L-L-L-L-L.”

The night before, he’d asked me if I am bigger than a first-grader.

I said yes, and that I’m even bigger than a SEVENTEENTH-GRADER.  He looked amazed, and said that his friend Lauren is just a big first-grader.

Kids, man.

And now: A popular meme.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than… punch a 5th grader.

Never underestimate the power of… termites.

You can lead a horse to water but… how?

Don’t bite the hand that… looks dirty.

No news is… impossible.

A miss is as good as a… Mr.

You can’t teach an old dog new… math.

If you lie down with dogs, you’ll… stink in the morning.

Love all, trust… me.

The pen is mightier than the… pigs.

An idle mind is… the best way to relax.

Where there’s smoke there’s… pollution.

A penny saved is… not much.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what…you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and… you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as… Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not… spanked or grounded.

If at first you don’t succeed… get new batteries.

You get out of something what you… see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind… get out of the way.

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October 28, 2009

Sssspooky…

When I was in sixth grade, I set out to write a scary story for Halloween.

I just found it on my computer, and it is undeniably terrifying.

…I wrote it in Curlz MT size 16.  There’s nothing scarier than that when you’re over the age of twelve.

The Cave
By Hayley, Age Eleven.

In 1970, a young girl named Cydney Nouvell went into a mysterious cave in the town of Glacier Falls, Nebraska.  Cydney went in to explore.  She never came out to tell what she had found.

Come 1980, one of Cydney’s old friends, Maria Slate, went into the cave to complete Cydney’s exploration.  Cydney’s family waited anxiously to find out whether their beloved Cydney was still alive.  They never found out. Maria also met Cydney’s mysterious fate.  The cave had claimed another victim.

Ten years later in 1990, Cydney’s younger sister, Kate Nouvell, went in the cave to search for her sister, and for Maria Slate.  The people of Glacier Falls never knew if those girls survived.  Kate never left the cave to tell them.

Josselyn Peterson and Pamela Mancusi sat on the banks of Tears Creek in Glacier Falls, Nebraska.  They were 12 years old, and had lived in Glacier Falls all their lives.  They knew the stories of Cydney and Kate Nouvell and Maria Slate by heart. They had memorized part of Maria’s spooky obituary:

“I will find my best
friend if it’s the last
thing I do.”
It was.

‘Yet Josselyn and Pamela weren’t afraid at all.  Or maybe they were, I don’t know.  They were not the sort of people who look like they would frighten easily.  Josselyn was tall and willowy. She had long arms, legs, and fingers.  She was a dancer, and always wore a long sleeved, v-neck, leotard, usually light turquoise or royal blue.  On the occasion that her hair wasn’t in a bun, it was in a long, thick ringleted ponytail from being twisted so tightly all the time.  On that day, Josselyn’s jeans had been rolled up so as not to get wet.  Pamela’s hair was cut short, to the bottoms of her ears. She had silvery, owl-eyed glasses.,  with the right lens scratched from when she dropped them in the mall parking lot.  She had bright black hair and soft blue eyes, as opposed to Josselyn’s elegant dark blonde hair and 20-20 glossy brown eyes.  Pamela was very petite, and not quite slender. She did not have as pretty and fair a face as Josselyn, but she had lovely, long fingernails.  Pamela’s mother was a manicurist, and her nails were always perfectly polished with horizontal rainbows.  Josselyn, however, had the nasty habit of biting her nails. Pamela was an art student and her tee shirt and cut-off jeans were spattered with paint and clay, but she didn’t care.  Pamela and Josselyn talked as the creek washed and bubbled gently over their feet.  They ate their picnic lunch out of the natural wicker basket;, and complemented one another on their cuisine.

“Pamela, how come, when you make the sandwiches, we can stand to eat them, while mine are completely inedible?”

“Probably because I use mayonnaise.  Why are your brownies thick and fudgy while mine are…”

“Like dirt? I don’t know.”

That kind of conversation was what was uttered that day as they ate chicken-and snow pea pitas, Sour Cream and Onion Ruffles potato chips, Josselyn’s fudge brownies, and Cherry Sprites.  When they finished their picnic, they decided to take a hike and see where the creek led.

“If it goes for more then four states, I’m turning back,” Pamela told Josselyn, probably, with Pamela’s risk-taker personality, only half kidding.

Then, she looked up and saw why Josselyn wasn’t answering.  Thunder clouds had taken over the once-blue sky.  Lightning split the sky into dark pieces.  Bone-chilling rain came down in sheets.  In seconds, the girls were drenched.  They started to run, and soon came to a short, stout cave.

“Shelter!” shouted Pamela, running toward it.

“Stop!” cried Josselyn, her eyes wide and her taupe skin white with fear, “It’s Cydney Nouvell’s cave!”

With that, she reached into her back pocket and took out three newspaper arcticles, quite damp.  The oldest showed a smiling pigtailed girl, holding spelunking gear.  The caption read

“The last sighting
of Cydney Nouvell”.

The next, no quite so old, had a smudgy photograph of a determined and slightly frightened looking pudge of a young woman. The caption was the obituary message.  Maria Slate.  The newest, least crumpled, colored arcticle depicted a very frightened (and quite sick) business-like woman.  Kate Nouvell.  All the pictures were taken outside this very cave.

“SO?” asked Pamela, shivering.  She was getting very annoyed.

“I wouldn’t go in there if I were you.  You know what happened to the last three people who did!”

“That doesn’t scare me at all.  Besides, we don’t even know what happened to them.  For all we know, they went to OZ.  At least it doesn’t rain there.  I’m going in!”  Pamela stepped boldly into the cave…. And was surrounded by pitch black.  She heard laughing from deep inside the cave

“Oh Cydney!” said an echoey, hollow voice.

Pamela gave a blood-curdling scream that echoed and re-echoed inside the cave.  Josselyn knew she would never forget the horror of that scream.  She ran into the cave.

“PAMELA! PAMELA, CAN YOU HEAR ME?” Josselyn screamed, sure there would be no answer.

“I’m here, “ called Pamela, with an unnerving calm.  Josselyn almost cried with relief.

“Where are you?” Josselyn questioned.

“In the back of the cave.” Pamela’s voice sounded different, Josselyn realized, hollower and raspier. She began to sprint, thinking that Pamela might be trapped or hurt, which would explain the voice change.  But when she reached the end of the dark cave, she almost fainted at what she saw.  Although the rest of the cave was as black as night, the finish was bathed in an eerie bright light.   The cavern floor held a bottomless, glowing pool.  But that was not the reason Josselyn felt queasy.  In the pool were four girls.  One, pigtailed and smiling. Of the other two, one was younger and frightened, the other, older and cross.  The last girl made Josselyn nearly have a heart attack.  That girl used to be Pamela.  All four were glowing water ghosts, transparent and wet, with glowing eyes.

“Come in Josselyn,” said the former Pamela, as if in a trance, “Come play with us!”  An unearthly, supernatural force pulled Josselyn towards the pool, towards her late friend.  Josselyn turned and ran.  All through the twisting tunnels of the cave, Pamela’s voice echoed, “Come play with us!”

But Josselyn didn’t turn back. If she surrendered to Pamela, Cydney, Maria, and Kate’s ghosts, she too would never leave the cave.  She didn’t stop running until she was out of the cave, down the creek, and in her own house.  Once she stopped, she broke down crying.  Josselyn never told anyone where she’d been that day, nor what she’d seen.  Pamela’s calling voice still haunts her, day and night, dawn to dusk Never go near that cave, or follow Tears Creek.   Pamela will call to you, too.  Stay far away.  Far, far away. That is my advice to you, as the sole survivor of that cave.
By: Josselyn Peterson-Kokoloauski
Copyright 2034

The moral of the story is, keep writing, and you will improve.  Also, stay away from caves.

And apparently I liked Sour Cream & Onion Chips when I was a pre-teen.

I suppose I’ve aged in more than just my writing skills.

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October 23, 2009

Friday Free-For-All: Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

In 1999, I wrote this entire meme down in my diary for safekeeping.

1. If you throw a cat out of a window, does it become kitty litter?
2. If you choke a smurf, what color will he turn?
3. If you take an Asian person and put him in Africa while spinning him around, is he then disoriented?
4. Is it okay to use AM radio in the PM?
5. What do chickens think everything tastes like?
6. What is a male ladybug called?
7. What do people in China call their good plates?
8. What does the DMV put as the hair color of a bald man?
9. When dog food claims to have “New and Improved” flavor… who tests it?
10. Why didn’t Noah swat the two mosquitoes?
11. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
12. Why doesn’t superglue stick to the inside of the bottle?
13. Why is it called “tourist season” if we can’t shoot them?
14. Why are there drive-thru liquor stores when it’s illegal to drink and drive?
15. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
16. Why are there interstates in Hawai’i?
17. Why are there only flotation devices in the seats of planes, and not parachutes?
18. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking at gas stations is prohibited?
19. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
20. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?
21. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
22. If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
23. If olive oil is made by crushing olives, how is baby oil made?
24. If a cow laughs hard enough, will milk come out of her nose?
25. Why are there Braille dots on the keypads of drive-up ATMs?
26. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but if you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
27. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
28. Why do you drive on parkways and park on driveways?
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends separately?
30. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
31. Why are apartments called apartments if they’re all stuck together?
32. If the opposite of pro is con, is congress the opposite of progress?
33. If flying is so safe, why are airports called terminals?
34. If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?

I really wasn’t as clever in middle school as I thought.

What’s your favorite riddle?

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